BRITISHHOMECHILDREN-L Archives

From: "Betty" <>
Subject: BHC who felt they had "NO control over their lives"
Date: Mon, 9 Jan 2006 07:51:07 -0500

Hello,

I brought up this subject in my response to another posting this morning,
and I'd like to bring it up separately !

I am curious how many of the "home children" came to Canada with "the
feeling that they had 'NO' control over their own lives." And, in turn,
how many "home children adults" took "this feeling" with them - throughout
their lives.

Because of the experiences in my own family growing up (father a grandson
of a BHC couple), in retrospect my mother, and in turn all 6 of her
children -- became "victims of a 'Control Freak'." Because this type of
"dysfunctional family" does not go away or subside, it "follows" us - into
our own adult lives !

When I was mostly done being a single-parent of my own children, I "thought
hard" about -- what was REALLY going on in the lives of my parents -- that
they had SUCH an unhappy marriage. And, I read many self-help books,
and I came to know such phrases as: "the cycle of child abuse" and
"adult children of alcoholics." (And, the word, "Enablers.") With
those topics of discussion in mind, I came to see that there is another
kind of "dysfunctional family" which is very rarely discussed: "the cycle
of Control Freaks."

My own "thinking" and "observations" shows that every bonafide "Control
Freak" MUST have someone or some thing - which they can control ! This
can be a human, a pet, or an inanimate object (e.g., a machine like a car
or a computer). And, in turn, the VICTIM of a "Control Freak" MUST
"survive." And, one "defense mechanism" is for him or her to find ---
someone or some thing which THEY can control ! ... And, so it continues !

Having said that, I had read and heard that a true "Control Freak" got to
be one -- because there was a time in their life (or their entire
childhood) where they felt they had "NO" control over their own life !
And, they became a Control Freak - to compensate for their "suffering."

In my own family, especially observing my mother being "victim" the entire
50+ years of her marriage*, I always "fought back." And, I
subconsciously decided I would never become a true victim -- of any Control
Freak. (Thus my divorce early on.) But, as luck would have it, two,
new Control Freaks have entered my life. Because of that, a couple of
months ago I bought a book, "The Control Freak" (Coping with those around
you. Taming the one within) by Parrott. I have not yet read the book,
but browsed through a few pages which confirmed what I had already read --
the "Control Freak" is "hurting."

He or she is "laughing on the outside and crying on the inside" --- a
pleasant way of saying that the Control Freak is ... "all torn up" inside
and MUST use a "defense mechanism" of one sort or another to "survive."

So, someone like me .. has to "walk a tightrope" between having sympathy for
a "control freak" within my extended family - and feeling the need to hug
them -- BUT .. extending my arms instead -- to keep them at a distance - so
that I don't become -- another one of their "victims."

(Once "a victim" - always fighting to never become "a victim" again !)

As I understand it, there are around 500 people on this List, I was
wondering what the percentage is of the "home children" being researched ..
being Psychology-wise fairly healthy .. vs. having "some type of
Psychological problem" - strictly based on their childhoods !

And, Perry, being a doctor who deals with "Psychological problems, must have
opinions on the subject !

And, yet, how many "Home Children adults" admitted they were not happy !
(Smiled a lot, laughed a lot - cried a lot "inside.")

Thank you for your time.

Betty (near Lowell, MA, USA)


*In my own family, my father had an unhappy childhood in a "broken home,"
etc., etc., and probably started "smoking and drinking" as an early teen.
He probably joined the Army at around Age 20, and fought in WW II. When
he got out of the Army, he had a new wife - and a baby daughter who was born
9 months after the wedding ! (me) And, then a second daughter a year
later, etc.

My mother was "emotionally abused" from "day one." In the 1960's she had
a baby born with "Down's Syndrome." My mother could not, in turn,
"control" her healthy children ! We spent all our time "dealing with"
our father - and weren't going to let our mother - join him in his
endeavors. But, when the older children had all moved out of the home, my
mother "chose" to be "the Control Freak" over her "special - needs
daughter." That was her "defense mechanism."

Thus, .. "the cycle of control freaks." In my mother's "fragile state,"
if she did not -- take on this "hobby" of controlling everything to do with
my kid-sister, she might have ended up .. "in a hospital" of one sort or
another !

Fortunately, my sister is a "high-functioning Down's adult," and she
survived the ordeal !

This thread:

• BHC who felt they had "NO control over their lives" by "Betty" <>

  • Re: [bhc] BHC who felt they had "NO control over their lives" by