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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: [DPS] *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-208 ***
Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 17:59:18 +0800


www.perthdps.com ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History

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It's 'Friday Funny' time again ... I hope you ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://www.perthdps.com/research/nel01.html

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* Go the extra mile ... It's never crowded.

* If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

* When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

* Is your holier side your altar ego?

* Make headlines ... Use corduroy pillows!

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARNS
===========================

A magic and novelty store was located in a tourist area where it attracted
customers from all over the world. One day a blonde woman went in and started
browsing. When she spotted a ventriloquist's dummy she asked, "Do you have
one that speaks Spanish?"

--|->

A business had a grand opening and it received a large plant from a
neighbouring merchant. The owners displayed it in the boss's office, but it
soon began to whither. The owner and his blonde secretary were wondering how
to nurse it back to health. When the boss suggested that they should get a
mister for it, his secretary said, "OK. But how do you know its a Mrs?"

--|->

Being a new patient, the blonde had to outline her medical history and
mentioned an episode of hallucinations. When the medic asked what they looked
like, she said, "Well, doctor, I really don't know ... I wasn't wearing my
glasses at the time!"

--|->

** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table when a very attractive
blonde arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

"I hope you don't mind," she said, "But I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama
needs new clothes!" Then she hollered ... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up all
the money and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU
were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

--|->

** [ Submitted by: "Des Hanson" <> ]

A man was captured by cannibals. Every day they poked him with spears and
used his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy called the chief over
and said, "Hey! You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting
stuck for drinks!"

CLERICAL MATTERS
================

** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the
priest and asked, "Say, Father. What causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and a lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

--|->

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When
he heard nothing more, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after
the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more
valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant
some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

Knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, the prisoner replied in a
letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is
where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't
believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up
the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant
the lettuce!"

--|->

** [ Submitted by: "Liane Satie" <> ]

A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date wearing a see-through
blouse and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!

"Loosen up Grams." The teenager replied. "These are modern times. You gotta
let your rosebuds show!" And out she went.

Next day when the teenager came downstairs, her grandmother was sitting there
with no top on. The teenager wanted to die and explained to her grandmother
that she had friends coming over and that it was just not appropriate.

Her grandmother replied, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets'.

--|->

** [ Submitted by: "Des Hanson" <> ]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty
bare hallway with 2 doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35" and found
himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8
inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself
in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4
times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and
found himself back out on the street.

Moral: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed ... "

I TOOK HIM BACK TO WALMART
==========================

My husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.

But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Walmart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him.
But they must have if I said so.

They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I took back his mother the next year!

They'll take anything back at Walmart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

GENEAHOLICS' SPOUSES GO TO THE DOGS --- [ by H. David Morrow ]
-----------------------------------

Much has been written lately about the tragedy of addiction to genealogy.
While one must pity those afflicted with this malady, their own
disorientation pales when compared to that of those who must live with
geneaholics.

The geneaholic can seek counseling, can join a support group (often called a
Society), and may soon even be able to get into a 12-step program. There is
none of this for the spouse of a geneaholic.

Night after night, male spouses must endure cold dinners, if there are any at
all. They must do their own washing in order to have enough underwear to wear
to work. Their beds are only rarely made and the sheets changed only when
threadbare.

If the spouse is older and has to make in-the-dark trips to the bathroom
during the night, he or she must step carefully so as not to kick over a pile
of papers. The real danger is slipping on a single piece of paper and
breaking a hip.

The spouse must endure interruptions of sporting events on TV in order to
hear about the discovery of a relative who was "not in my direct line, but a
sister of the cousin of the sixth child of my great-great-great-grandmother's
third husband."

Further, spouses are supposed to administer back rubs when the geneaholic has
spent far too much time sitting in front of a keyboard and monitor. Spouses
are also supposed to fix computer glitches that may arise from downloading
megabytes of "relevant, relative" information. We are expected to drive to
cemeteries, deliver film to and pick up pictures from the processor, make
endless trips to the post office, take days off to visit obscure courthouses
looking for sometimes elusive and mostly unreadable documents from the 1800s,
and generally go to bed alone.

There are, however, some upsides. The only real household chores I must do,
besides cook my own dinner, are replace light bulbs in my wife's desk lamp
and change cartridges in her printer. (We started using paper plates when the
dishwasher and sink both were filled to capacity.) I haven't emptied the
trash since I learned about the addiction. I get to spend quality time with
my dog, who never regales me with stories about related horse thieves and
murderers.

I am considering starting a new organization called D.O.G.S., which stands
for Despondents of Geneaholic Spouses. This is a good name because when the
meeting notice comes, the mail person will think you are merely going to a
group that appreciates dogs. The carrier won't, therefore, be able to inform
all the neighbours that an addict lives on the block.

Besides, when I don't give full attention to my wife's e-mail from a cousin
she never knew she had, when I am not ecstatic over a new piece of
information, and when I don't accept her invitation to spend hours in the
library looking at census films, she thinks I'm a dog anyway.


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

An Interesting Experiment
-------------------------

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on
a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go
to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches
the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the
other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey
tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it
with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After
another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he
will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third
original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the
newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of
the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have
ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again
approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they
know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Words that women use ...
--------------------
** [ Submitted by: "Graham Basden" <> ]

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an
even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used
to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing usually signifies an argument that will
last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing
and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means I give up or do what you want because I don't care. You will get a
raised eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine
and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over Nothing.

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to
not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retribution for what ever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used
with the word Fine and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow Go Ahead. At
some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a That's Okay.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she
is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next time.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: