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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-55 ***
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 14:21:34 +0800


<dps-chat>'s New Year Resolution ...
1999 ... the year of <meaningful> subject lines and <minimal> quoting

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again.

So let's relax, lay back and lighten up for a while ...
And above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

****

Q. What did the cashier say when she was caught stealing?
A. "I thought the change would do me good!"

Q. What is the name of the Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls?
A. Rick O'Shea.

* Did you hear the one about the thief who robbed a music store and got
away with the lute?

* Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

COMPUTER PRAYER
===============
* [ Submitted by: Gloria Hines Unrein <> ]

Every evening As I'm laying here in bed
This tiny little prayer Keeps running thru my head:
God bless my mom and dad, And bless my little pup,
And look out for my brother, When things aren't looking up.
And God, there's one more thing I wish that you could do,
Hope ya don't mind me asking, But please bless my 'puter too??

Now I know that's not normal to bless a mother board
But just listen a second while I explain to you, my Lord,
You see, that little metal box holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments rest hundreds of my 'BEST FRIENDS'.
Some it's true I've never seen and most I've never met,
we've never exchanged hugs or shared a meal as yet....

I know for sure they like me by the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal is how I travel to where they live.
By faith is how I know them much the same as you.
I share in what life brings them from that our friendship grew.
"PLEASE" take an extra minute from your duties up above,
To bless this scrap of metal that's filled with so much love!

MAKING UP THE NUMBERS
=====================

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to
his star player and
said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need
you in there. So
what I have to do is ask you a maths question, and if you get it right, you
can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked,
"Okay, now concentrate
... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,

"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

PACKAGING
=========

"To open, press here"
So often appears
On the boxes of things that one buys.
But all of us know
That's really not so....
You have to use
scissors or knives!

SPECTACLES
==========

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn;
My house isn't dirty, the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn;
I think I might never put my glasses back on!

NOAH
====

When Noah sailed the waters blue,
He had his troubles, same as you.
For forty days he drove the Ark
Before he found a place to park.

CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN
====================

When high school kids wear rags today,
They call it self-expression.
When I was young and dressed that way,
We called it the Depression!

AN ADVERTISER NEVER LIES
========================

A lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus but when she sat
down she noticed the
man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. Then man seemed even more amused.
After the fourth move
the man burst out laughing so she complained to the driver and had the man
arrested.

When the case came up in court and the judge asked the man what he had to
say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this ... when the lady got
on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She'd sat down under a sign that
said, "The Gold Dust
Twins are coming" and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and
I had to grin.

Then she sat under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and
I could hardly
control myself.

BUT ... when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could
have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud.

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

A FROGGY WENT A WOOING
======================

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who
will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

13 MARITAL VIEWPOINTS
=====================

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:

Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage
and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...

- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

MISTAKES:

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering
the same thing.

THE BATTLE:

A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

TOMBSTONE PATROL
===============

* Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, Marble Cutter. This monument
was erected by her
husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments
of this same style
are two hundred and fifty dollars.

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

* In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

* Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

* Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

* A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.

* A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange

Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

* Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.

* Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of
the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

* On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her but
nobody believed her.

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something
from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

* More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

* Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

* On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

* The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

* Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

****

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S.

Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other
humour will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: