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Archiver > DPS-SYDNEY > 1999-04 > 0923649629


From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-57 ***
Date: Fri, 09 Apr 1999 17:20:29 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

<dps-chat>'s New Year Resolution ...
1999 ... the year of <meaningful> subject lines and <minimal> quoting

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again.

So let's relax, lay back and lighten up for a while ...
And above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

****

* Isn't it amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes.

* Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

* Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought the house down.

PRAYER FOR GENEALOGISTS
=======================

Lord help me dig into the past and sift the sands of time
That I might find the roots that made this family tree of mine.

Lord, help me trace the ancient roads on which my fathers trod
And led them through so many lands to find our present sod.

Lord, help me find an ancient book or dusty manuscript
That's safely hidden now away in some forgotten crypt.

Lord, let it bridge the gap that haunts my soul when I can't find
The missing link between some name that ends the same as mine.

TOMBSTONE PATROL - H.W.P.
================

DAILY TELEGRAPH (23 AUG 1986)
-----------------------------
Water supplies caused much vexation to historians trying to discover
the identity of someone buried in the graveyard of Evercreech Church,
Shepton Mallet, Somerset, England. They were trying to identify the
person under the gravestone simply marked "H.W.P." until the Wessex
Water Authority put them out of their misery by pointing out that it
was a marker for the church's hot-water pipe.

NOAH'S ARK
==========

A little girl stared questioningly at her grandfather. Finally she asked,
"Grandpa, were you on Noah's Ark?"

The grandfather replied with a slight chuckle. "Of course not."

Then the girl asked, "How come you didn't drown?"

NO FOOTPRINTS IN THE SANDS OF TIME
==================================

It's nice to come from gentle folks
Who wouldn't stoop to brawl,
Who never took a lusty poke
At anyone at all.
Who never raised a raucous shout
At any country inn,
Or calmed an ugly fellow lout
With a belaying pin.
Who never shot at a revenuer
Hunting for a still,
Who never rustled cattle
and agreed with Uncle's will.
Who lived life as they ought
without uncouth distraction,
And shunned like leprosy a thought
of taking legal action.
It's nice to come from gentle folks
Who've never known disgrace
But oh, though scandal is no joke
It's far easier to trace!

SPOT ON
=======

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close when she insisted: "They
use the dogs to find the fire hydrant."

FRIENDS
=======
[Original poetry by Nick Justice]

I never thought that there would be,
friends that I would never see.

Friends out there in cyberspace
spread throughout the human race.

They have space inside my heart,
I hope we never grow apart.

That sassy gal that I adore,
for whom I care yet more and more.

A special girl that would show me,
just how special 'net friends could be.

Then that big bad dude up north,
who gives a laugh with a big snort.

A canuck that lives so near,
his Canadian homeland he holds dear.

And a gent from my own state,
who in his hands does hold his fate.

A Kiwi girl with starbright charm,
who'd never do you any harm.

A darling lady, no plain Jane,
who's kind words push 'way the rain.

Who would ever have thought that I'd
have these friends, some 'cross the tide.

Oh wouldn't it be just a ball
if we'd get together, one and all?

In my long arms I'd hug them near,
and tell each one that they are dear.

We share our hopes, we share our dreams,
we share most everything it seems.

So thank you friends across the 'net,
you mean more than you might bet.

WAS STEVEN RIGHT WHEN HE WROTE?
==============================

* I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

* I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

* I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included.

* What's another word for Thesaurus?

* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.

* A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

* If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

* I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

* I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".
So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

* Is "tired old cliche" one?

* I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give
it back.

* I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

* I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it
was gone.

* I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

* I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

* When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in
a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

* If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

* In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

* It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

* When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child ... eventually.

* I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

* I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

* Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get
it...

* I invented the cordless extension cord.

* All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

* In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above ... so
I never have to go upstairs.

* I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
there.

* The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said,
"Right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and
yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

* My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

* I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.

* I had to stop driving my car for a while ... the tires got dizzy.

* My neighbor has a circular driveway ... he can't get out.

* A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole
car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

* Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the
entire area was missing.

* I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.

* I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

* My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there and write misspelled words on them.

* I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and
went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter
in Spanish.

* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.

* I bought a dog the other day ... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him
... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.

* I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

* I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

* I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this
rumbling noise go by.
[ -- Steven Wright ]

****

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S.

Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other
humour will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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