DPS-SYDNEY-L Archives

Archiver > DPS-SYDNEY > 1999-06 > 0929693382


From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-67 ***
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 16:09:42 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

<dps-chat>'s New Year Resolution ...
1999 ... the year of <meaningful> subject lines and <minimal> quoting

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again.

So let's relax, lay back and lighten up for a while ...
And above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

****

* AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

* IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

* IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.

* ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.

* FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if
he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

I'M ON A COMMITTEE!
==================

Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee,
which means that from morning to night,

We attend, and amend, and contend, and defend
without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
and reiterate all of our thoughts.

We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
and consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
and the points of procedure are fun!

But though various notions are brought up as motions,
there's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
since it's out of the question for us.

What a shattering pity to end our committee,
where else could we make such a fuss.

COMPUTER PRAYER
===============
** [ Submitted by: "David Wares" <> ]

Every evening as I'm laying here in bed
This tiny little prayer keeps running through my head:

God bless my mum and dad and bless my little pup
And look out for my brother when things aren't looking up.

And God, there's one more thing I wish that you could do
Hope ya don't mind me asking but please bless my 'puter too??

Now I know that's not normal to bless a mother board
But just listen a second while I explain to you, my Lord

You see, that little metal box holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments rest hundreds of my 'BEST FRIENDS'

Some it's true I've never seen and most I've never met
We've never exchanged hugs or shared a meal as yet....

I know for sure they like me by the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal is how I travel to where they live

By faith is how I know them much the same as you
I share in what life brings them from that our friendship grew

"PLEASE" take an extra minute from your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal that's filled with so much love!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
==========================

* A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
recitiing it for the first time by herself, without help from her mother,
when she concluded, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some
e-mail. Amen."

* A three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy
kitties and 2 girl kitties. "How do you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed
on the bottom."

* On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has
to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back
of the room asked, "How will that help?"

* A little girl was about to try her first grapefruit. Her mother told her
the first bite would taste sour, but the ones after that wouldn't. So she
handed her mother the spoon and said, "Here, you take the first bite."

THE FUNERAL PROCESSION
======================

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't contain her curiosity and respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

The woman replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

HUNGRY
======
** [ Submitted by: "Bob MacDougall" <> ]

At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree,
chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile beside him, he
noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team stood in a state of shocked silence as they took in the
pile of human bones beside this lone survivor.

Seeing the horror in their faces the survivor hung his head in shame.

"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so
wrong to want to live?"

Stepping forward, his head shaking in disbelief, the leader of the rescue
team replied: "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive,
but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

CATHOLIC EDUCATION
==================
** [ Submitted by: "David Wares" <> ]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in maths and his parents had tried
everything ... tutors, flash cards, special learning centers ... in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took
Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his
face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room
and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard
at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her
shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and
in no time was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to work out
what had made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his
report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room to hit
the books.

With great trepidation, his mum looked at the report and to her surprise,
discovered that little Tommy had got an "A" in maths. She could no longer
contain her curiosity.

She went to his room and asked: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looked in the face and said, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around."

* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

ALTERNATIVE HISTORY
===================

Reported to be actual Answers to Sixth Grade History tests:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw
the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,
he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and
is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and
many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannotstand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the
apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her
death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

****

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S.

Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other
humour will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: