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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-81 ***
Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999 07:04:13 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

<dps-chat>'s New Year Resolution ...
1999 ... the year of <meaningful> subject lines and <minimal> quoting

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again.

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

****

* I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

* Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

* The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

... MORE SYMPTOMS OF ADDICTION TO GENEALOGY
===========================================

* Your kids think picnics in cemeteries are normal and EVERYBODY does it.

* You're the only person in a group who knows what a Soundex is.

* When "It's only a few miles down the road" means at least 50.

* Some of your best friends live over 200 miles away.

* You have more pictures of tombstones than of your kids.

* When "I need to spend just a little more time at the courthouse" means
forget the cleaning, washing, dinner & chores for the day is shot.

* The mailman can't believe that you get this much mail from someone you
don't even know.

* You can explain to your mum why you can't go 25 miles for Sunday dinner,
but can go 100 miles to check out another cemetery.

* When "As soon as I check out this census record, I'll fix dinner" means
"call the local pizza parlour."

* Your neighbours think you're crazy, your friends wonder and YOU know you
are.

* You can't drive past a cemetery without wondering if your ancestors are
buried there.

* You have to watch the credits of a movie to see if any of the surnames
are ones you are researching.

* You ask all the people you meet, what their grandparents surnames are.

* When you move to a new town and the first thing you look for is a
historical
or genealogical society in the area.

* You go on vacation and beg your hubby to drive 80 miles out of the way so
you can try and find your grandfather's grave in 100 degree heat.

* Youthful fantasies of travelling to exotic places are replaced with plans to
get to those little towns with graveyards, or larger towns with Archives!

* Your fear of snakes and bugs is overshadowed by the need to get through
those brambles to that old gravestone.

* Old friends who knew you before you were into genealogy begin sending
clippings about dead or live people with your surnames.

* You worry about the roof's leaking only if the drips threaten your genealogy
section.

* When you can recite all the counties of a State you've researched but where
you've never lived.

* When you find your ancestor's execution by hanging or burning at the stake,
far more interesting than the mass-murder that just took place next door.

* You're not invited to family functions because your relatives are tired of
filling out family group sheets.

* When you read the New Testament in Sunday School and find yourself comparing
the pedigrees in Matthew and Luke.

A PLEA FROM THE SLOW-LANE
=========================
** [ Submitted by: "Eric Meacock" <> ]

(sung to the melody of "Home on the Range")

VERSE:
Oh give me a site where the links all work right
one that doesn't take too long to load --
where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen --
one that offers a "no-Java" mode.

REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web, on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:
Though your video files give your pages some style
I can't read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found,
so please put in some "alt" tags for me!

(REFRAIN)

VERSE:
Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favourite cat;
I don't have an IRC code.
And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 --
My PC is way too darn old!

(REFRAIN)

HOLY PORTRAITS - BATMAN
=======================
** [ Submitted by: "Amanda Lovitt" <> ]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. Occasionally she walked around to see each child's work. As she got to
one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============
** [ Submitted by: Neill Garland <> ]

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
him, "What is wrong with you?"

When Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, God said that he was going
to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He added, "This person
will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll
wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will
bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to
admit
she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache,
and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

"What will a woman like this cost?" Adam asked.

When God said "An arm and a leg," Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.....

CLERICAL MATTERS
================
** [ Submitted by: Gloria Hines Unrein <> ]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from
each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together
to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between
them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water
on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the
priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He
reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car
and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================


I'M DESCENDED FROM ADAM
=======================

Said the vainglorious fool, with a wave of his hand,
"I'm descended from Adam, you know."
"Aren't we all?" laughed his friend, who was rather less grand,
"But, pray, can you prove it - how so?"

"I can!" quoth the fool, with a gesture so curt,
Aggrieved at the other's mild scorn.
He proclaimed in a voice full of pique and vexed hurt,
"I'll make you regret you were born!"

>From a shiny black briefcase, all gleaming and smart,
Sporting a very superior label,
He flourished aloft a voluminous chart
And unfurled it with pride on the table.

"Here is your proof," he cried in great glee,
Extending his chest fit to bust.
"I'll show you the lineage from Adam to me,
"And beg pardon for doubting you must."

The other man peered at the fabulous chart,
Awash with fine names and bold squiggles.
'Twas all he could do, with the best will at heart,
To suppress an attack of the giggles.

In fanciful lines from the pre-dawn of mankind,
Sprinkled with mythical gods in collusion,
The naive fellow had contrived to find
A pedigree of utter delusion.

>From Noah and his Ark and the kings of old Troy,
Through the descendants of Alfred the Great,
The ancestry ran in lines of pure joy
To a sixth cousin of Henry the Eight.

>From Vikings and Normans and Crusaders bold,
The family tree was a sham.
>From Cromwell and Nelson and generals of old,
And even the King of Siam!

Through Tudors and Stuarts, Hanoverians, too,
Meandering down avenues peculiar,
The lineage finally came to a cottage in Looe
And an eccentric old lady called Julia.

"My grandmother, you know," said the boastful one,
"Her ancestry is really breathtaking."
"Quite so," said his doubting comrade in fun,
"But are you sure that she wasn't faking?"

"How dare you suggest that?" the foolish knave said,
"She's really too much of a madam
"To invent such a fiction inside of her head,
"I'm truly descended from Adam."

With a shake of his head, the doubting friend left,
His feelings of mirth to relieve.
No point in debating with one so bereft,
People believe what they want to believe!

(C) Roy Stockdill 1997 - "Rhyming Relations: Genealogy in Verse"

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
================

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names LINCOLN and KENNEDY each contain seven letters.

Both men were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Each man's wife lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named KENNEDY.
Kennedy's secretary was named LINCOLN.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named JOHNSON.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names were comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot in a theatre named KENNEDY.
Kennedy was shot in a car called LINCOLN.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

****

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S.

Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other
humour will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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