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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-93 ***
Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 12:22:24 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

<dps-chat>'s New Year Resolution ...
1999 ... the year of <meaningful> subject lines and <minimal> quoting

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again ...

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html


---------< NEWSFLASH >--------->

* Bearing in mind the time of the year, many XMAS funnies are doing the
rounds and I'll do my best to make sure you see the latest ones here 1st.
However, there are a heaps of oldies that we featured last year and rather
than clog up our CLASSIC section with re-runs, they've ALL been uploaded
to the Perth DPS web-site in the guise of 4 XMAS DIGESTS which can be seen
at:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/funny.html


------< ON WITH THE SHOW >----->


****

* Q. What nationality is Santa?
A. North Polish.

* The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

* I hear that there will be a lot of deaths from now till December 31, 1999.

It may be morbid, but there are a lot of grave stones stockpiled with the
death date 19__ etched on them!

* A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life;
A timely word may level stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.

* One hundred years from now it will not matter

- what kind of car I drove,
- what kind of house I lived in,
- how much money I had in my bank account,
- nor what my clothes looked like.

But the world may be a little better because I was important in the life
of a child.

THE FAMILY TRIALS OF BEING A POTATO
===================================

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for
each other and they finally got married and had a little one ... a real
SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM".

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get
Mashed; get a bad name like Hot Potato; and then end up with a bunch of
TaterTots.

She said not to worry ... no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a
Rotten Potato out of her!

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to
Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should
watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get
Scalloped.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U."
- that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she
graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because
he's just a ... COMMON TATER !!!!!!!!!

THE 12 DAYS OF A GENEALOGY CHRISTMAS
====================================

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve census searches,
Eleven printer ribbons,
Ten e-mail contacts,
Nine headstone rubbings,
Eight birth and death dates,
Seven town clerks sighing,
Six second cousins,
Five coats of arms,
Four GEDCOM files,
Three old wills,
Two CD-ROMs
And a branch in my family tree.

COMRADE RUDOLPH
===============

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the
man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife."

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain."

They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or
snowing when they saw a minor former-communist party official walking toward
them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

"See! There you have the official word," the man quietly replied ...

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a
Christmas present from the two of us, and I am fresh out of ideas. I mean
it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy
his mother-in-law anything.

Needless-to-say, when the big day arrived ... she was a bit upset!

At the family gathering she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you
all for the wonderful gifts ... Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't
so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift
I gave you last year!"

IT'S ALL IN THE PUNCTUATION
===========================
** [ Submitted by: "Mel" <> ]

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let
me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you
let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

CLERICAL MATTERS
================
** [ Submitted by: Pat Bird <> ]

After dying in a car crash, three friends went to Heaven for orientation.

They were all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and
friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them
say about you?"

The first guy immediately responded, "I would like to hear them say that I
was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy said, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to hear them say ...
LOOK, HE'S MOVING ... "

WHAT'S IN A NAME
================

PROFESSION NAME

Lawyer's daughter ................ Sue
Thief's son ...................... Rob
Lawyer's son ..................... Will
Doctor's son ..................... Bill
Meteorologist's daughter ......... Haley
Steam shovel operator's son ...... Doug
Hair Stylist's son ............... Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son ......... Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter .. Mary
Sound stage technician's son ..... Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son ............. Frank
Gambler's daughter ............... Bette
Exercise guru's son .............. Jim
Cattle Thief's son ............... Russell
Painter's son .................... Art
Iron worker's son ................ Rusty
TV show star's daughter .......... Emmy
Movie star's son ................. Oscar
Barber's son ..................... Harry

STRESS OF THE SEASON GETTING TO YOU?
===================================

Here are some warning signs of stress:

* Relatives who've been dead for years come to visit you and suggest that
you should get some rest.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realising that you have
said it before.

* Trees begin chasing you.

* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution
of espresso.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of
coffee.

* You can hear mimes.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things become "Very Clear."

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realising that you have
said it before.

* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in
the room.

* You and Reality file for divorce.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You can travel without moving.

* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a
nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of
the night.

* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are
talking to.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realising that you have
said it before.


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

THE PARENTS' VERSION
====================

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet, asleep in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the long evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to dear Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat ...
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
Then what to my worrying eyes should appear ...
50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
with every part numbered and every slot named,
so if we should fail, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than BBs the parts then fell out,
all over the floor they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee was cold and the night had worn thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring.
We won't have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect yet Christmas, I bet!"
Then off into dreamland and well-earned repose
I gratefully went, although I suppose
You've already guessed it ... we slept self-deluded,
forgetting that BATTERIES are never included!


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENESS
=============================

STAGE 1 - SMART
When you become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know
you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will
listen. At this stage you're always RIGHT. And of cause the person you are
talking to is very WRONG ... This leads to an interesting argument when
both parties are SMART.

STAGE 2 - GOOD-LOOKING
This is when you realise you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar
and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still
SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

STAGE 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage because
of cause you are still SMART ... so naturally, you will win all bets. It
doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You also will buy
drinks for everyone you fancy because now you are the BEST LOOKING person
in the world.

STAGE 4 - BULLET-PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of people who
you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no
fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH, and hell,
you are BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway !

STAGE 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of DRUNKENNESS. At this point you can do anything
because NO-ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who
you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You
are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk
through the street singing at the top of your lungs, because no-one can see
or hear you because you're still SMART, you know all the words ...

THE PLUPERFECT VIRUS
====================

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far
more insidious than the Chernobyl menace. Named STRUNKENWHITE after the
authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that
have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection
abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing
programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America,
which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled
syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet
start up, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to
send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message:

"Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by
commas, but one must not precede the conjunction." I threw my lap top
across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept
coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's
possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each
day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have
their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barrow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad,
old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated
that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major
who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on
margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged
through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling
down the xway.'"

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a
communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of
1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees'
productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate
their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of
productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses,
parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as
an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it
becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail
entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient
to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The
use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to
be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at
the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic
versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems
to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise."
The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same
message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is ... "
and "in fact ... " Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although
an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire
network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system
for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow
infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news
anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a
harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to
exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one
of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever
encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to
tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI
agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying
to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, book stores and online book sellers reported a surge in orders
for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

****

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S.

Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other
humour will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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