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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-110 ***
Date: Sat, 15 Apr 2000 08:37:26 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again!

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

--------->

* If "I am" is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language ...
could "I do" be the longest one?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* For some, every morning is the dawn of a new error ...

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?


WHY DOGS CAN'T USE COMPUTERS
============================
** [ Submitted by: "Jenny Ward" <> ]

* They'd get distracted by cats chasing the mouse.

* SIT and STAY were hard enough ... CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

* Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

* Three words ... 'carpal paw syndrome'.

* Involuntary tail wagging would be a dead give-away that instead of working,
they were browsing www.purina.com

* The fire hydrant icon would be too frustrating.

* They couldn't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".

* It'd be too messy when they "marked" every Web site they visited.

* The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

* They couldn't stick their heads out of Windows 98.

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARN
==========================
** [ Submitted by: "Gordon Prunster" <> ]

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel
Breast Stroke Competition.

The red head won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign
of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern, and
just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely relieved to see the young girl and embraced her as
she came ashore. But after all the excitement died down, she leant over to
the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other
girls used their arms."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============
** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers, which she ended with the thoughts, "God bless mummy,
God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."

"Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" he asked.

"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day, when her grandpa did die, her father put it down to
coincidence.

A few months later, however, as he put her to bed again, he heard her pray,
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

This time, her grandmother died the next day and her father exclaimed to
himself, "My gosh! This kid's in contact with the other side!"

Several weeks later when the little girl was praying before bed, her father
overheard her say, "God bless mummy and good-bye daddy."

With that, he practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and
was up at the crack of dawn and ready to go to his office. All day, he was as
nervous as a cat. He had his lunch sent in; he kept an eye on the clock, and
figured that if he could get by until midnight he'd be OK.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there. He drank coffee, looked at his watch and jumped at every sound.
Finally, as midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he arrived his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the
matter?"

"I don't want to talk about it ... I've just spent the worst day of my life."

"You think you had a bad day ... you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

CLERICAL MATTERS
================

It's reported that an addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the
Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the age-old question,
"Where do pets come from?" ...

... And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom, and all the good names are taken, and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and to Eve, and loved
them.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
preens like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know he is not worthy of
adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
Supreme Being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================


THE COMMANDMENTS ACCORDING TO OUR ANCESTORS
===========================================
** [ Submitted by: "Sue Winter" <> ]
[ "Paula Heald" <> ]
[ "Carol Smith" <> ]

* If you were born illegitimate, you must make up a father for your wedding
certificate.

* You must always put a different place of birth on each census return.

* You must always lie about your age, especially if you are female.

* If you remarry, always marry someone with the same Christian name.

* If your daughter has an illegitimate child, claim that it's yours on the
census.

* If you're a priest, always make sure you have a number of spelling
variations to hand.

* Thou shalt name your male children: James, John, Joseph, Josiah, Abel,
Richard, Thomas, William.

* Thou shalt name your female children: Elizabeth, Mary, Martha, Maria,
Sarah, Ida, Virginia, May.

* Thou shalt leave NO trace of your female children.

* Thou shalt, after naming your children from the above lists, call them by
strange nicknames such as: Ike, Eli, Polly, Dolly, Sukey, in order to make
them difficult to trace.

* Thou shalt NOT use any middle names on any legal documents or census
reports, and only where necessary, may you use initials on legal documents.

* Thou shalt learn to sign all documents illegibly so your surname can be
spelt, or misspelt, in various ways such as Hicks, Hicks, Hix, Hixe, Hucks
and Kicks.

* Thou shalt, after no more then 3 generations, make sure that all family
records are lost, misplaced, burned in a court house fire, or buried so
that NO future trace of them can be found of them.

* Thou shalt propagate misleading legends, rumours, & vague innuendo
regarding your place origination:

(A) you may have come from England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales ... or Iran.
(B) you may have American Indian ancestry of the ______ tribe.
(C) You may be descended from one of three brothers who came from ______.

* Thou shalt leave NO cemetery records, or headstones with legible names.

* Thou shalt leave NO family Bible with birth, marriage or death records.

* Thou shalt ALWAYS flip thy name around. If born James Albert, thou must
make out all the rest of thy records in the names of Albert, AJ, JA, AL,
Bert, Bart or Alfred.

* Thou must also flip thy parent's names when making reference to them,
although "Unknown" or a blank line is an acceptable alternative.

* Thou shalt name at least 5 generations of males, and dozens of their
cousins with identical names in order to totally confuse researchers.


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

CREATING EVOLUTION
==================
** [ Submitted by: "Graham Basden" <> ]

A chimp at the zoo has made the headlines ... he's been taught to read! At
the moment he's working his way through the Bible and Darwin's "Origin of the
Species." It's left him a trifle confused, though ... he's not sure if he's
his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother.

THE NATURAL LIFE CYCLE OF MAILING LISTS
=======================================

Every list seems to go through the same cycle:

1. Initial enthusiasm - people introduce themselves, and gush a lot about how
wonderful it is to find kindred souls.

2. Evangelism - people moan about how few folks are posting to the list, and
brainstorm recruitment strategies.

3. Growth - more and more people join, more and more lengthy threads develop,
occasional off-topic threads pop up.

4. Community - lots of threads begin, some more relevant than others; lots of
information and advice is exchanged; experts help other experts as well as
less experienced colleagues; friendships develop; people tease each other;
newcomers are welcomed with generosity and patience; everyone - newbie and
expert alike - feels comfortable asking questions, suggesting answers, and
sharing opinions.

5. Discomfort with diversity - the number of messages increases dramatically;
not every thread is fascinating to every reader; people start complaining
about the signal-to-noise ratio; person 1 threatens to quit if other
people don't limit discussion to person 1's pet topic; person 2 agrees
with person 1; person 3 tells 1 & 2 to lighten up; more bandwidth is
wasted complaining about off-topic threads than is used for the threads
themselves; everyone gets annoyed.

6. Finally:

a. Smug complacency and stagnation - the purists flame everyone who asks an
'old' question or responds with humour to a serious post; newbies are
rebuffed; traffic drops to a doze-producing level of a few minor issues;
all interesting discussions happen by private email and are limited to a
few participants; the purists spend lots of time self-righteously
congratulating each other on keeping off-topic threads off the list.

OR

b. Maturity - a few people quit in a huff; the rest of the participants
stay near stage 4, with stage 5 popping up briefly every few weeks; many
people wear out their second or third 'delete' key, but the list lives
contentedly ever after.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: