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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-111 ***
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2000 22:39:27 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again!

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

--------->

* Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high.

* A surplus is when politicians can't decide where to waste all the money.

* If a man thinks he can't be wrong ALL the time, he's never been married.

* Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

* Nothing is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend!

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARN
==========================
** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

Two blondes were walking down the street when one noticed a compact on the
sidewalk. She leant down to pick it up, opened it, and looked in the mirror
and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde handed her the compact and after she looked in the mirror
she exclaimed, "You dummy ... it's me!"

IMAGES OF MOTHER
================
** [ Submitted by: "Neill Garland" <> ]

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything.
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Lets go down the hallway and ask Mum what she thinks.
55 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum.

CLERICAL MATTERS
================
** [ Submitted by "Gordon Prunster" <> ]

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however,
he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took
the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit
golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he
agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realising it was
an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to
play golf.

So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and asked him to say
Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. That way
he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning
and everyone else was in church! At about the same time, St. Peter leant over
to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not
going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole ... it was a 420
yard hole-in-one!

St. Peter looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord just smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

KID-SPEAK
=========

* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

* Blood circulates through the body by flowing down a leg and up the other.

* Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
should.

* There's a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the earth because
so many people are stomping around there these days.

* The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it's singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.

* There's 26 vitamins in all but some of the letters aren't discovered yet.

* I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but they know how to do it, and that's
the important thing.

* The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed
for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

GRANDMA SHOES
=============

When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
Were wearing the same kind
Of ugly grandma shoes

You know the kind I mean?
Clunky heeled, black, lace-up kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,

For I knew, when I grew old.
I'd have to wear those shoes,
I'd think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.

I never was a rebel,
wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.

And then came spikes with pointed toes
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.

But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear,

I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,

I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I'd have to wear.

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn't even think about
How I would ride my bike!

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realised
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.

And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I'm as comfy as can be.

And I look at all these little girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And I think that's kind of neat.

WHO SAYS WE DON'T EXERCISE?
==========================
** [ Submitted by: "Robert Lim" <> ]

Is it any wonder that we're always dead tired at the end of the day? Just
think of how much time we spend ...

* Jumping to conclusions
* Beating around the bush
* Running down the boss
* Going round in circles
* Dragging our feet
* Passing the buck
* Climbing the corporate ladder
* Wading through paperwork
* Pulling strings
* Throwing our weight around
* Stretching the truth
* Bending the rules, and
* Pushing our luck

That's some work-out and the power-that-be thinks we don't exercise enough!

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============
** [ Submitted by: "Paula Alan" <> ]

Celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple went to the
small town where they first met. They went to the cafe they used to frequent
and the man leaned over and said to his wife, "Remember the field where we
first made love? ... I propped you up against the fence." She nodded her head
and he went on, "Why don't we go there and do it again for old times sake?"

She agreed with a giggle, totally unaware that a policeman was in the next
booth and overheard everything. Overcome by the moment, he thought he'd
follow them and make sure they weren't disturbed.

When they got to the field, the couple undressed and leant against the fence
and from the his vantage point in the bushes the policeman saw them gyrate
all over the fence, doing things he'd never even thought of doing. After five
minutes they stopped and fell to the ground. Slowly they got up and got
dressed and as they approached the bushes the policeman stepped out and said,
"I just followed you to make sure no one bothered you. That was the most
incredible love making I've ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when
you were young."

"Not really ... when we were younger that fence wasn't electric!"


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================


* Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.

* Cemetery: (n) A marble orchard not to be taken for granite.

* Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

* Crazy.... is a relative term in MY family.

* Genealogy: It's all relative in the end anyway.

* Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

* I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

* It's hard to be humble with ancestors like mine!

* Life takes it's toll. Have exact change ready!

* Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

* That's strange; half my ancestors are WOMEN!

* Do I even WANT ancestors? ... Some I found I wish I could lose.

* Every family tree has some sap in it.

* FLOOR: (n) The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

* Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate.

* Genealogists never die, they just lose their roots.

* Genealogy: A hay stack full of needles ... It's the threads I need.

* Genealogy: Collecting dead relatives and sometimes a live cousin!

* Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.

* Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

* I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

* Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.

* My ancestors are hiding in a witness protection program.

* Research: What I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

* Take nothing but ancestors, leave nothing but records.

* May all your ancestors be like vegetables in the fall - turnip!


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

TEENAGERS ...
=========

* can't remember to walk the dog but never forget a phone number

* weight watchers who go on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast

* receive their allowance on Monday, spend it on Tuesday, and borrow it from
their best friend on Wednesday

* can hear their favourite singer 3 blocks away but not their mother calling
from the next room

* can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed

* spend 12 minutes studying for a history exam and 12 hours studying for a
driver's license

* connoisseurs of 2 kinds of fine music - loud and very loud

* have the energy to ride for miles but are too tired to dry the dishes

* young women who love their cat and tolerate their brothers

* romantics who never fall in love more than once a week

* budding beauties who never smile until their braces come off

* boys who can sleep till noon any Saturday the lawn needs mowing

* original thinkers who are positive their mothers were never teenagers

DIAL-A-NAME
===========

If your parent's profession is below, I've got a name for you!

Lawyer's daughter: Sue

Thief's son: Rob

Lawyer's son: Will

Doctor's son: Bill

Fisherman's daughter: Annette

Meteorologist's daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator's son: Doug

Hair stylist's son: Bob

Naturopathic doctor's son: Herb

Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician's son: Mike

Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank

Gambler's daughter: Bette

Gambler's son: Chip

Exercise guru's son: Jim

Cattle thief's son: Russell

Painter's son: Art

Iron worker's son: Rusty

TV star's daughter: Emmy

Movie star's son: Oscar

Barber's son: Harry

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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