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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-118 ***
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000 09:26:06 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again!

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

--------->

* You start growing up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.

* If it's painful for you to criticise someone, you're safe in doing it;
but if you take pleasure in it, hold your tongue.

* Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

* Most of the things that are really worth knowing cannot be taught.

* A dime isn't worthless in spite of inflation ... in an emergency it makes
a good screwdriver.

WHO SAID NOBODY'S PERFECT?
=========================
We've all heard the old saying that "nobody's perfect." Well, thanks to the
marvels of genealogical research, we can now document with certainty the
complete inaccuracy of this statement. At least three individuals have
definitely qualified! Please consider ...

James PERFECT, son of Thomas & Ann PERFECT, christened at Parish
of All Saints, Maidstone, Kent, England on 9 March 1796

[Source: Bishop's Transcripts 1770-1812, FHL microfilm #1,736,877]

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARNS
===========================
** [ Submitted by: "Kerry Lockyer" <> ]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he showed the
first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hid it.

"That was your suspect. How would you recognise him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy ... we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture only shows
his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture for 5
seconds at the second blonde and asked her, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognise him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be easy to
catch because he only has one ear."

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course
only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!
Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde
and in a very testy voice asked, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognise him?" He quickly added, "Think hard before giving me a stupid
answer."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "The suspect
wears contact lenses."

The policeman was surprised and speechless because he really didn't know if
the suspect wore contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file on his
computer, and returned with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear."

--->

** [ Submitted by: "John Hall" <> ]

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for
your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit
of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to
grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am
doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not
just to me. I would like the blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds
of humans everywhere. But surely there's something that I could do just for
you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said
the nun.

"Name it, please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

IT MAY BE WRITTEN IN STONE, BUT ...
===============================
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared
us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working
here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

GRIN AND BARE IT
================
** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]
"John Hall" <> ]

When you're hospitalised, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're
feeling miserable ...

A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as
if they were his employees. The head nurse stood up to him, though, and one
morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," she said, "But for this reading, I can't use an oral
thermometer."

That started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I
get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, his doctor came into the room and asked, "What's going
on here?"

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen anyone
having their temperature taken?"

"Yes! ... But never with a carnation."

CLERICAL MATTERS
================
** [ Submitted by: "Miriam Israel" <> ]

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very
interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down
paint to make it goa wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this
for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big
restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid,
and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to,
with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the
turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened the
rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and
knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on
his knees and cried "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke ...

"Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Robert Lim" <> ]

A young boy had just received his driving licence and asked his father if he
could use the family car. His father, who happened to be a minister, said to
him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a
little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use
the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your
grades up, studied the Bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long
hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

Sure,
God created Man before woman.
But then you always make a rough draft ...
Before the FINAL MASTERPIECE

Sure,
God created Man before woman.
But it was necessary to have the best materials ...
To make the FINAL MASTERPIECE

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Bruce Rayner" <> ]

A Jewish lady complained to her friend that her husband was at death's door
and she only had $20,000 to her name. When her husband finally died, she
complained to her friend that she was broke.

When her friend asked what happened to the $20,000, she said that $5,000 went
on the funeral, $5,000 as a donation to the Synagogue and $10,000 for the
memorial stone.

"My God!" said the friend. "How big was the stone?"

The widow smiled and held up her finger and said, "About three carats".

MIND YOUR P's & Q's
===================
** [ Submitted by: "Paula Alan" <> ]

A bus stopped and two Italian men get on. They sat down and engaged in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first,
but her attention was galvanised when she heard one of the men say:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady!" said the man. "Who'sa talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'."


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL TRAINING MANUALS (Original version?)
================================================

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

EVERYONE'S GETTING IN BEFORE THE G.S.T.
=======================================
** [ Submitted by: "Graham Basden" <> ]

The Australian Taxation Office has enacted the following simplified Income
Tax Form for the year ending 30/6/2000 ...

1. What was your Total income in 1999/2000 ? $___________

2. Send It To Us.

SOUTHWARD BOUND
===============
** [ Submitted by: "David Wares" <> ]

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic
Committee via their web site together with their answers, where appropriate:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do plants grow there? (The question came from UK).
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who
themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (This came from the USA).
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed.

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth to
avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in
Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about
a year and a half ago to get there in time for this October.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you
let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here.

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
A: ???

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
** This HAS to have been asked by a blonde.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What are you smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
** Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: There are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
** Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between
Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: !!!!!

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: