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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-119 ***
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 12:09:38 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again!

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Cheers, ROB!!
"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

--------->

* Stress - you wake up screaming and realise you haven't been asleep.

* Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

* Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

* If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

* The person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy road block.

ALWAYS REFER TO PRIMARY RECORDS
===============================
** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

A new monk arrived at the monastery and was assigned to help the other monks
copy out the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying
the copies, and not the original books.

So he went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if
there was an error in the first copy, that the error would be perpetuated in
all of the copies. The head monk answered, "We've been copying from the
copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

With that, he went down to the cellar with one of the copies to check it
against the original. Hours went by and nobody saw him. So, one of the monks
went downstairs to look for him.

He heard sobs coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk
leaning over one of the original books crying. He asked the old monk what
was wrong, and in a choked voice came back a reply ...

"The word is CELEBRATE!"

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARN
==========================
** [ Submitted by: "John Hall" <> ]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes. She was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking, though, and after becoming frustrated with the "no
haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, she shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"

"By all means," the shopkeeper said, "Be my guest ... maybe you'll be in luck
and catch yourself a big one!".

She turned and headed for the swamps, resolving to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a
huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it onto the bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement. Just then she flipped the alligator on it's back, and in
frustration, shouts out, "Dam, this one isn't wearing shoes either!!"

THREE WISE WOMEN
================
** [ Submitted by: "Judy Sargeant" <> ]

Do you know what would've happened if it'd been three Wise Women instead of
three Wise Men?

* They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Yeah, and do you know what they'd have said when they left?

* "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

* "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"

* "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

* "That donkey they're riding has seen better days!"

* "Want to bet how long it'll take until you get your casserole dish back?"

* "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"

CLERICAL MATTERS
================
** [ Submitted by: "John Hall" <> ]

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he
came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle."

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike
in trade for it?"

"You've got a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a
few times but got no response from the mower. He called the little boy over
and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

"That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since
I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."

"Just keep pulling on that string ... it'll come back to ya!"

SPEED LEARNING
==============

An advanced society figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, went to the pharmacy and asked what kind of
knowledge pills were available. The pharmacist said, "Here's a pill for
English literature." The student took the pill, swallowed it and had new
knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asked the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history."

The student asked for them, swallowed them and gained new knowledge about
those subjects.

Then the student asked, "Do you have a pill for maths?"

"Wait just a moment", said the pharmacist. He went into his storeroom and
brought back a whopper of a pill and plunked it down on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for maths?"

"Well, you know it is ... maths has always been a little hard to swallow."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============
** [ Submitted by: "John Hall" <> ]
[ "Pat Bird" <> ]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
---------
You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which
you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year
old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that
read as follows:

Dear Husband:
------------
You too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I'll be at
the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a
mathematician, you'll appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

Your Wife

TICKLE ME ELMO
==============
** [ Submitted by: "Kerry Lockyer" <> ]

A new employee was hired at the 'Tickle Me Elmo' factory.
(for those that don't know, it's a toy that when tickled, giggles)

The personnel manager explained her duties and told her to report to work
promptly at 8am. The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at his door and the
assembly line foreman entered and began to rant about the new employee,
saying, "She's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up!"

With that, the foreman took the personnel manager down to the factory floor
to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmo's were backed up all over the
place and at the end of the line was the new employee. She had a roll of
material and a big bag of marbles.

They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two
marbles, and started sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager started to laugh hysterically and after several
minutes, pulled himself together, walked over to the woman, and said, "I'm
sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two
test tickles."


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

They think that I should cook and clean.
And be a model wife
I tell them it's more interesting
To know of grandpa's life.

They simply will not understand
Why I never go to bed...
I'm busy living my own life,
And two hundred other years instead.

Why waste the time we have on earth
Snoring and asleep?
When we can fight off Indians and
sail upon the deep?

We've preachers and lawmen,
Soldiers, more than a few...
And yes, a few old scoundrels
And a bootlegger or two.

How can a person find this life
An awful drudge or bore?
When they can live the lives of all
Those kinfolks who came before?

A hundred years from now
And no one will ever know
Whether I did the laundry ...
But they'll see our Tree and glow ...

Knowing their dear old granny
Left for prosperity
Not clean hankies and weeded flower beds
But a completed Family Tree!

So let the bills go unpaid,
I've better things to do ...
And forgetting will make the records
And provide a descendant with a clue,

To the way their old great-great-granny
Grasped the branches with glee
And let the bills go hang
while she hanged upon the Tree!


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

** [ Submitted by: "Murray Wilson" <> ]
[ "Donna McAleese" <> ]

GST replaced by NUTS
====================

An alternative tax system ....

The New Understandable Tax Tribute Index (NUTTI)
- ----------------------------------------------

By now you've read all the GST information leaflets the Government's been
sending out and you understand completely how it's all going to work.

... you don't? ... Well never mind ...

The new system is NUTS, the New Universal Taxation System, and although it
may appear to be complicated, it's easy to understand. Basically, it's STUFFT
- the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions. Major elements of NUTS
include a number for each business entity ... an Australian Business
Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments
at all levels.

Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS.

The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian
Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO). Every month businesses
will have to complete a BASTARD (Business Activity Statement Table And Report
Directive) and they should set aside at least three days every week to fill
out the BASTARD.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a
SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they're
unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they're
classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance
Grantee).

All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will have to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For
Taxation) form. The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON
(Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who'll determine the amount of
CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive.

Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the
Government should contact their local MORON who'll assess the appeal and
classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of
Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory
Taxation Instalment Credit).

If you're a RATBAG, you'll not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS. You'll need to
apply for a JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit), a new allowance provided
jointly by both State and Federal Governments. Any RATBAG who does't apply
for a JOB can get STUFFT.

>From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses will need to
submit a fortnightly GARBAGE (General Allocation Rebate For Business And
Goods Estimate) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce
(DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month.

All small businesses must be registered as BUST (Business Utilising Sales
Tax) by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a
regular full-time basis must give each employee the SACK (Statutory
Assessment Contribution Kit) on or before July 1. Only when all employees
have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as
BUST. In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the
government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS).

It's anticipated that by the end of the next financial year all businesses
will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS!

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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