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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CHAT *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-138 ***
Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2000 06:32:49 +0800


PERTH DPS ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time once again!

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/community/dps/research/nel01.html

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

SAVE OUR CENSUS ... ON 7 AUG, 2001 TICK "YES"

Want to know more?
See: 'http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/~affho/affho-07.htm'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* During a recent grave digger's strike a sign appeared at the entrance of
one cemetery:
"Due to the strike all grave digging for the duration will
be done by a skeleton crew."

* Always be suspicious of an associate who never finds fault with you.

* From the tombstone of the wife of a Welsh farmer:

This spot is the sweetest I've seen in my life,
For it raises my flowers and covers my wife.

* You can tell when you're on the right track ... it's usually uphill.

* When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandpa did ... in his sleep.
NOT yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

* Examine a half truth very carefully ... you may have the wrong half!

* "My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great" said one lady.
She then turned to a second lady and asked, "... and how far back does your
family go?" ... "I don't know ... all our records were lost in the Flood!"

GROANERS
========

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Who granted the fish's wish?
A: Why, the fairy codmother, of course!

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
A: Because he wears his belt buckle on his hat.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

A HILLBILLY'S VIEW OF MEDICAL TERMS
===================================
** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

Benign .................... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria .................. Back door to cafeteria.
Barium .................... What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section ......... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan ................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterise ................. Made eye contact with her.
Colic ..................... A sheep dog.
Coma ...................... A punctuation mark.
D&C ....................... Where Washington is.
Dilate .................... To live long.
Enema ..................... Not a friend.
Fester .................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula .................... A small lie.
G.I.Series ................ World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail .................. What you hang your coat on.
Impotent .................. Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain ................ Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff ............. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid .................... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates .................. Cheaper than day rates.
Node ...................... I knew it.
Outpatient ................ A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear ................. A fatherhood test.
Pelvis .................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative ............ A letter carrier.
Recovery Room ............. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum .................... Damn near killed him.
Secretion ................. Hiding something
Seizure ................... Roman emperor.
Tablet .................... A small table.
Terminal Illness .......... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour .................... More than one.
Urine ..................... Opposite of mine.
Varicose .................. Near by / close by

CLERICAL MATTERS
================
An executive was notified that he was being transferred from a midwest office
to New York. His small daughter, having lived her short life where they were,
was very unhappy about the move. The night before the moving van came she was
saying her prayers and went through the usual "God bless Mummy and Daddy". In
closing she said, "I guess I'd better tell you, too, God, that this is
goodbye. I won't be able to pray to you any more. We're moving to New York."

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Paula Heald Ingham" <> ]

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play
with them. They thought perhaps it was because they weren't baptised. So they
went to the nearest church but the only one there was the custodian.

One boy said, "We'se got to be baptised cause no one'll play with us. Will
you baptise us?"

The custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet
bowl one at a time. "Now go out and play," he said.

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion is
we? We'se not catlic cause they pour the water over ya head and we'se not
Baptist cause they dunks all of ya."

The littlest one said, "I smelled dat water and I knows wat we is ... we's
Pisscopalians."

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Pat Bird" <> ]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven and seeing clocks all around her, she
asked St. Peter what they were for.

St. Peter said, "The clocks only move when someone tells a lie. That's Mother
Teresa's clock ... It's never moved. There's Abraham Lincoln's clock ... It
only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock."

St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office. He uses it as a ceiling fan."

CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
==================================

Looking back over the years that we've been together I can't help but wonder
... What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day! ... Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you ... have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love ... After having
met you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life ... I never believed in Hell
until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ... that you're not here to ruin
it for me.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!! ... I never knew what evil was before
this!"

Before you go ... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll
probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

You look great for your age ... Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me ... Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend ... So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time ... What do you say we call it
quits?

I'm so miserable without you ... It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ... Did you ever find out who the
father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ... So
we're having you put to sleep.

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

While shopping at a supermarket, I noticed a young man staring at a very
attractive young woman. I noticed his eyes drop to her left hand which had no
jewellery on it. Then as I continued watching, he approached her and looked
over her shoulder at her shopping list. She turned, startled.

"Sorry!" he said, "I was just looking to see if I was on your list of things
to pick up."

--->

A wife was mad at her husband because their daughter had been appearing on a
TV program for a whole week and he'd not watched her once. After several
unacceptable excuses, he finally admitted the truth: "Look, the only place
with a TV near my work is a bar. I'll be darned if I'm going in and saying to
the bartender, 'Give me a beer ... and turn on Romper Room'."

--->

It was the parents' first vacation without two teenage sons. The boys were
looking forward eagerly to a few days on their own. After the usual lecture
about responsibility, the parents departed. Next evening the boys were
enjoying some rock and rap records with friends. Then telephone rang and one
of them answered it. Western Union was calling with a telegram from their Dad
which read: "For heaven's sake, turn that stereo down!"

--->

A mother knew she'd put on a few pounds but she didn't consider herself
overweight until the day she decided to clean her refrigerator. She sat on a
chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall. While
she was in that position, her teenage daughter came into the kitchen and
said, "Whatcha doin', having lunch?" ... Next day she started a diet.

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Allan Cresswell" <> ]

A woman and her son were in the kitchen one afternoon just after he returned
home from school. The boy asked, "Mum how old are you?"

"That's none of your business!" she replied.

"Mum how much do you weigh then?" he asked.

"That's none of your business!" his mother replied.

"Why are you and Dad divorcing?" he asked.

"That's also none of your business," she again replied.

So the next day he asked one of his friends how to find out the information
about his mother. "Go and look at her driver's license," his friend suggested.

So after he looked at her license he confronted her. "Mum, I know you are 38
years old and you weigh 70 kilos and I also know why you and Dad are getting
a divorce."

Astonished by this the mother asked, "How do you know?"

"Because you got an 'F' in sex."


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

Rules For Genealogy
-------------------

1. Treat the brothers and sisters of your ancestors as equals ... even if
some of them were in jail.
2. Death certificates are rarely filled in by the person who died.
3. When visiting a funeral home, wear old clothes, no make-up, and look like
you have about a week to live ... the funeral director will give you
anything you ask if he thinks you may be a customer soon.
4. The cemetery where your ancestor was buried does not have perpetual care,
has no office, is accessible only by a muddy road, has snakes, tall
grass, and lots of bugs ... and many of the old gravestones are in broken
pieces, stacked in a corner under a pile of dirt.
5. A Social Security form SS-5 is better than a birth certificate because
few people had anything to do with the information on their own birth
certificate.
6. The application for a death certificate you want insists that you provide
the maiden name of the deceased's mother ... which is exactly what you
don't know and is the reason you are trying to get the death certificate
in the first place.
7. If you call Social Security and ask where to write for a birth
certificate, tell them it is for yourself ... they won't help you if you
say you want one for your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather
who died in 1642.
8. When you contact the state vital statistics office in your home state and
ask if they are "on-line" and they respond, "on what?," you may have a
problem.
9. A census record showing all twelve children in a family proves only that
your ancestors did not believe in birth control.
10. Work from the known to the unknown. In other words, just because your
name is Washington doesn't mean you are related to George.
11. With any luck, some of the people in your family could read and write ...
and may have left something written about themselves.
12. It ain't history until it's written down. (See #19)
13. A genealogist needs to be a detective. Just give me the facts, ma'am.
14. Always interview brothers and sisters together in the same room. Since
they can't agree on anything about the family tree, it makes for great
fun to see who throws the first punch.
15. The genealogy book you just found out about went out of print last week.
16. A good genealogical event is learning that your parents were married.
17. Finding the place a person lived may lead to finding that person's arrest
record.
18. It's really quite simple. First you start with yourself, then your
parents, then your grandparents ... then you QUIT ... and start teaching
classes in genealogy.
19. If it's not written down, it ain't history yet. (See #12)
20. In spite of MTV, computer games, and skate boards, there's always a
chance that your grandchildren will learn how to read someday.
21. "To understand the living, you have to commune with the dead, but don't
commune with the dead so long that you forget that you are living!"
... (From Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt)

--- [William Dollarhide]


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

Sounds of Old Times
-------------------

The chattering clicks of a dial telephone.
The clatter of coal going down the chute.
The click of shoe leather-saving cleats.
The hum of a treadle sewing machine and the click of the needle.
The scratch of a pen going through the Palmer Method exercise.
The slap of blackboard erasers being cleaned.
The slap of a wooden screen door.

The Calendar
------------

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a
handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS What's for dinner?
SAFER Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS What are you so worked up about?
SAFER Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS Should you be eating that?
SAFER You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS What did you DO all day?
SAFER I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST I've always loved you in that robe.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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