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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CH@T *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-152 ***
Date: Sat, 03 Feb 2001 01:28:24 +0800



www.perthdps.com ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

G'day ALL.

It's "Friday Funny" time again!

So why not relax, lighten up and put your inhibitions away for a while ...

and above all ...

ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://www.perthdps.com/research/nel01.html

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

SAVE OUR CENSUS ... ON 7 AUG, 2001 TICK "YES"

Want to know more?
See: 'http://carmen.murdoch.edu.au/~affho/affho-07.htm'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* Auto Repair Service: Try us once and you'll never go anywhere else again.

* If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

* At my age, I've seen it all, done it all ... I just can't remember it all.

* An archaeologist will date any old thing.

* If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

* A man paid $200 to find his family history and $500 to have it hushed up.

* Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.

* Don't you love it when your computer can't detect a keyboard and tells you
to hit any key to clear the message!

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARNS
===========================

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. When an airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick, he said "No ... I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Paula Ingham" <> ]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts
and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and
tell me, 'You're next.' But they soon stopped it after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals!

--->

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little
animals. By half -time, the big animals were crushing the little animals. The
little animals' coach made a passionate half-time speech to rally his players.

The second half started with the big animals receiving the ball. In the first
play, the elephant was stopped for no gain. In the second play, the rhino ran
the ball and was stopped for no gain. In the third play, the hippo was thrown
for a 5 yard loss. In the fourth the big animal's team had to kick the ball.

When the little team's defence went to the side line the coach called them all
together. Excitedly, he asked, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"That was me, too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit the hippo for the five yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," answered the centipede.

"Well ... where were you during the first half?"

"I was still getting my ankles taped!"

TEXAS SURVIVOR
==============

Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor", the popular
TV show. Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas,
Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock
while driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:

"I'm for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm Here to Take Your Guns."

The first to complete the round trip alive will be the winner.

CLERICAL MATTERS
================

A priest was driving down to New York when he was stopped for speeding. The
state trooper smelt alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.

"Sir, have you been drinking?" he asked.

"Just water," said the priest.

"Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

--->

Dear Dr. Laura:

I need some advise regarding some of the specific Bible laws and how I'm
meant to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
She's 18 and starting University. Will the slave buyer continue to pay for
her education by law?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
... Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should this be a neighbourhood improvement project?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination
(Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would contact
lenses help?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How
should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't
we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with
people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I'm confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

ACCOUNTABILITY
==============

A young naval recruit was aboard a training ship at sea when a sudden gust of
wind whipped his hat overboard. His Chief informed him he would have to pay
for the hat. The sailor protested. "Suppose I had borrowed a jeep and it had
been stolen. Would I have to pay for that too?"

Then the Chief went on to explain that in the services, one had to pay for
government property that was lost.

"Good Godfrey!" the recruit gasped, "Now I understand why captains choose to
go down with their ships."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed,
while married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

--->

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague
say, "We need a fourth for poker."

"I'll be right there," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious."

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors
there already!

--->

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to an ophthalmologist in
Prague. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, and displayed the
letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied, "I date his sister!"

--->

** [ Submitted by: "Paula Alan" <> ]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whisky, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

"I'm a lesbian," she said. "I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, or watch
TV, every thing seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he replied, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

HERMAPHRODITIC BIRTH
====================
** [ Submitted by: "Donna McAleese" <> ]

A woman gave birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor came in, and said,
"I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sat up in bed and exclaimed, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"

"Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly," the doctor said, "but your baby is a
little bit different ... your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"A hermaphrodite ... what's that???"

"Well, it means your baby has the ... er ... features ... of a male and a
female."

The woman turned pale. "Oh my god!" she said, "You mean it's got a penis ...
AND a brain?"


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

THE FAMILY TREE
---------------

Our family tree is tall and wide,
We know not yet its measures
Some have searched and probed for years
To seek out all its treasures.
Miles travelled here and there.
Frustration and discouragement
Brought us often to despair!

But we kept right on going
Oft' times down a dead-end street
Detours were not uncommon,
At times the road was rough and steep.
However, if you have never tried
A project such as this,
You can't imagine all the fun
and joy that you have missed!

Through our work we've met some folks
We'd have never known were kin.
Also, once more have met other folks
Whom we hadn't seen "since when".
And now and then a lead would come
That brought forth fruit, and so ...
With new found hope and vigour
We'd again be on the go!

Here a name and there a date,
Then slowly, bit by bit,
Our tree began to take on form
With each new piece that fit.
So here, dear folks, though not complete,
Is our family tree to treasure.
Now thanks to all of you who helped ...
It has truly been a pleasure.

The Census
----------

It was the first day of census, and all through the land
each pollster was ready ... a black book in hand.
He mounted his horse for a long dusty ride,
his book and some quills were tucked close by his side.
A long winding ride down a road barely there,
toward the smell of fresh bread wafting up through the air.

The woman was tired, with lines on her face
and wisps of brown hair she tucked back into place.
She gave him some water ... as they sat at the table
and she answered his questions ... the best she was able.
He asked her of children. Yes, she had quite a few ...
the oldest was twenty, the youngest not two.

She held up a toddler with cheeks round and red;
his sister, she whispered, was napping in bed.
She noted each person who lived there with pride,
and she felt the faint stirrings of the wee one inside.
He noted the sex, the colour, the age ...
the marks from the quill soon filled up the page.

At the number of children, she nodded her head
and he saw her lips quiver for the three that were dead.
The places of birth she "never forgot"
was it Kansas? or Utah? or Oregon ... or not?
They came from Scotland, of that she was clear,
but she wasn't quite sure just how long they'd been here.

They spoke of employment, of schooling and such,
they could read some and write some, though really not much.
When the questions were answered, his job there was done
so he mounted his horse and he rode toward the sun.
We can almost imagine his voice loud and clear,
"May God bless you all for another ten years."

Now picture a time warp ... its' now you and me
as we search for the people on our family tree.
We squint at the census and scroll down so slow
as we search for that entry from long, long ago.
Could they only imagine on that long ago day
that the entries they made would effect us this way?

If they knew would they wonder at the yearning we feel
and the searching that makes them so increasingly real.
We can hear if we listen the words they impart
through their blood in our veins and their voice in our heart.


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

George Costanza's meaning of life
---------------------------------
** [ Submitted by: "Ivan Burgess" <> ]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus?!? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You
get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your super, then, when
you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years
until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you
party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little
baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating with
luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off
as an orgasm! Amen.

A GIRL'S PRAYER
---------------
** [ Submitted by: "Dot Wells" <> ]

Our Cash
Which art on plastic
hallowed be thy name
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Prada Bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our MasterCard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity
Amex.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next Friday.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: