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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CH@T *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-191 ***
Date: Sun, 04 Nov 2001 18:21:59 +0800


www.perthdps.com ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History

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G'day ALL.

It's 'Friday Funny' time again ... ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://www.perthdps.com/research/nel01.html

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* CHICKENS: Things you eat before they're born and after they're dead.

* COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

* DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

* EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

* GOSSIP: A person who'll never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

* MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

* RAISIN: A Grape with sunburn.

* SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

* TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

* YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

* WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARN
==========================

** [ Submitted by: Ivan Burgess <> ]

Two Irishmen walked into a pet shop.
Straight away they went over to the bird section.
Gerry said to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk came over and asked if he could help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere,"
said Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk did as requested and the two guys paid for the birds and left the
shop. They got into Gerry's van and drove until they were high up in the
hills and stopped at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

He then took two birds out of the bag, placed them on his shoulders and
jumped off the cliff.

Paddy watched as his mate dropped off the edge and went straight down for a
few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looked over the edge of the cliff he shook his head and said,
"Forget dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."

--|-> PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrived. He too had been to the pet shop and walked up
carrying a familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulled a parrot out of the bag and Paddy
noticed that he was carrying a gun in his other hand.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus said as he launched himself off the edge of
the cliff.

Paddy watched as half way down, Seamus took the gun and blew the parrot's
head off. Seamus continued to plummet until there was a 'SPLAT' and he joined
Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy just shook his head and said, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting
nider."

--|-> PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splatted himself Sean strolled up. He had been to
the pet shop too and was carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

Instead of a parrot he pulled a chicken out of the bag and launched himself
off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shook his head - "Gee, Sean, first der was Gerry wit his
budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you tryin' hen gliding!"

CLERICAL MATTERS
================

** [ Submitted by: Trish Stevenson <> ]

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
--Joyce

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be a day of rest.
--Tom L.

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things
about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt
him anyway.
Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am.)

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it.
So I bet he stole your idea.
--Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
--Elliott

Dear GOD,
What does it mean, You are a Jealous GOD? I thought You had everything.
-- Jane

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton,
because I hate her.
--Denise.

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want,
except my money and my chess set.
--Raphael


Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat!! You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha!
--Danny


Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all
over.
--Tom

--|->

One Sunday morning the Minister told the congregation that he was going to
say a word, and he wanted them to sing a hymn that they thought of when he
said that word.

The first word was "rock," and they started singing "Rock of Ages."

The second word was "blood," and they started singing "Power in the Blood."

The third word the minister said was "cross." The congregation started to
sing "Old Rugged Cross."

The fourth word was "sex." Everyone gasped and then it got real quiet. Way in
the back of the church an 87 year old lady stood up and started singing
"Precious Memories".

MONEY TALK
==========
Bags of old, tattered bills were returned to the U.S. Treasury.

A $1 bill and a $20 bill in the same sack started talking.

"Gee, I went to nice stores, good restaurants, country clubs and exotic
places," said the $20 bill. "How about you?"

"All I ever did was go to church, go to church, go to church."

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't contain her curiosity and respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

The woman replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

--|->

** [ Submitted by: "Gil Hardwick" <> ]

It was a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family was just waking
up.

Baby Bear went downstairs and sat in his small chair at the table. He looked
into his small bowl. It was empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he asked.

Daddy Bear arrived at the table and sat in his big chair. He looked into his
big bowl. It was also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roared.

Mummy Bear put her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yelled,
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was Mummy Bear who got up first."

"It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up."

"It was Mummy Bear who made all the beds and washed all the clothes."

"It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."

"It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper."

"It was Mummy Bear who set the table."

"It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the
cat's water and food bowls."

"And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your
presence ... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time ...

I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET"

* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

The Conspiracy
--------------

Folks. Have you ever noticed that when you're over the hill, everything seems
uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And
everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become. And that's not all.

People are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in
whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up, they just repeat
themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in
the face and exhausted. What do they think I am, a lip reader?

Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when I was
their age!

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into
an old classmate the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognise me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my
hair this morning, and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. REALLY NOW
... they don't even make mirrors like they used to!

And everyone drives so fast today ... you're risking life and limb if you
happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their
brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in
my rearview mirror.

Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days. Why else
would they suddenly start labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? Do they think no
one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs,
and bosom? Not only that - the fabric in dresses and slacks is so skimpy
these days (especially around the hips and waist) that it's almost impossible
to reach my shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they used to.

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think
they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's
going on ... but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one can ever find a number!

Van Gogh's Family Tree
----------------------
** [ Submitted by: "Robynne" <> ]

After much careful research, it's been discovered that the artist Vincent Van
Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

* His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

* The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

* The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

* The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

* The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

* His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

* His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

* The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh

* The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

* The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh

* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

Conflicting Proverbs
--------------------

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

Florida Recount
---------------

Sept. 15, 2001
From: The President of the United States
To: Albert Gore

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush

A New Plan of Attack
--------------------
** [ Submitted by: "Chris Uphill" <> ]

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for
a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturiser with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna. Drop us
(by parachute, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do
what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like
grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed
men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and
their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left
already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good
man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose!

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and
the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound.
We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no
food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or sporting events ... finding bin Laden in some cave will be no
problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please
... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families
at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for
how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know
how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the
government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. If you're close to hitting forty you
should, too!

The World According to AFL
--------------------------
** [ Submitted by: "Neill Garland" <> ]

A lot people are pretty confused about this whole 'war on terrorism'. But
it's really simple if you just think of each protagonist as an AFL club ...

USA -> Essendon: Very strong, very arrogant. If they suffer the slightest
injury the whole world hears about it.

Al Qaeda -> Footscray: Thugs who like to take out opponents behind the play.
Capable of upset wins but all other supporters hate them.

UK -> Carlton: Have a leader who is far more outspoken than he needs to be.
Have been involved in many memorable finals campaigns.

Pakistan -> St Kilda: Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but has upset a
large percentage of it's supporter base and may soon face a membership revolt.

The Taliban -> Melbourne: The "old boys" club where members are measured as
much by what they wear as who they are. Not a consistent contender but has
home ground advantage in the finals.

India -> Collingwood: A sleeping giant, not a contender at the moment but
with a huge supporter base. Likes to think it's opinion is worth plenty, yet
is largely ignored by non-fans.

The Northern Alliance -> Geelong: A rabble in need of sponsorship dollars.

Israel -> Richmond: Rabid supporters come from everywhere when they make the
finals.

Palestine -> North Melbourne: A team looking for a home, had been on the
periphery for many years before the 90s. Not regarded as a big contender but
with enough names to upset the favourites.

Uzbekistan -> Brisbane: Northern neighbour who will receive some league help.
Worry few in the south until they win a flag or two when they will become
everyone's most hated foe. Undergone a name change recently.

Japan -> Sydney: No attack, last campaign of any note 1945. Big player
financially in the 1980s, however.

Iraq -> Adelaide: Have been a contender before and opponents prefer to see
them out of the finals race. Most of the teams from the other side of the
border dislike them.

Russia -> West Coast Eagles: Once great superpower, now in disarray.

Italy -> Port Adelaide: Once a great empire with a tradition few could match.
Now go largely unnoticed by all but the most loyal supporters.

Germany -> Hawthorn: Tendency to blondness. A strong finals history but off
the scene of late. Unfortunate uniforms.

Australia -> Fremantle: Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers.
An embarrassment to their supporters.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next time.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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