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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CH@T *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-192 ***
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 13:31:50 +0800


www.perthdps.com ... Putting the FAMILY back into Family History

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G'day ALL.

It's 'Friday Funny' time again ... ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://www.perthdps.com/research/nel01.html

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* Don't you love it when the computer tells you that it has not detected a
keyboard. Yet to clear the message it tells you to hit any key!

* Before I criticise a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets
angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

* Auto Repair Service: Try us once ... you'll never go anywhere else again.

* To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.

* Most of us tend to measure our achievements by what others haven't done.

DEADLY
======

A dietician was once addressing a large audience ...

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARNS
===========================
** [ Submitted by: "Gloria Unrein" <> ]

Here are some epitaphs taken from tombstones ...

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

* In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

* Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

* A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

* Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business Of yours.

* Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizon in the
cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

* In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

* More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

* Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr.. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

* On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

** [ Submitted by: "Liane Satie" <> ]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!"

SUMMER FUN
==========

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation
known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 1950's, the
bathing costume was designed for the woman with a mature figure. Boned,
trussed and reinforced, these costumes were not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a damn good job.

Today's stretch-fabric bathing suits are designed for the prepubescent girl
with a figure chipped out of marble. The woman with a mature figure has
little choice. She can front up with the maternity wear department and try on
a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that
has escaped from "Fantasia", or she can wander around any run-of-the-mill
bathing suit department and try to make a sensible choice from what amounts
to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around a run-of-the-mill bathing costume
department. I made my choice and disappeared into the small chamber of
horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed about the bathing costume was the extraordinary
tensile strength of the stretch material. The lycra that goes into bathing
costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets in a sling
shot. And it comes with a bonus that as long as you can lever your body into
a lycra suit, you can protect the vital organs from shark attack, the reason
being that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately
suffer from a jaw whiplash injury.

I fought my way into the first bathing costume but as I twanged the last
shoulder strap into place, I gasped in horror. My bosom had disappeared. I
found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took me a little while to
find the other one. Eventually, I located it, flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is modern bathing costumes have no bra cups. The mature woman is
meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I
realigned my speed hump and turned towards the mirror to make a full view
assessment.

The bathing costume fitted all right. Unfortunately, it only fitted those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out of the top,
bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing an undersized
cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all these extra bits of me had come from, the
salesgirl put her head through the curtain. "Oh, they are you" she gasped
admiring the bathers. "Yes they are all me," I gasped, looking at the extra
bits. "What else have you got?'

I tried on a crinkled cream bathing costume, which made me look like a lump
of designer tripe. I tried on a floral two-piece costume, which made me look
like an oversized napkin in a Ken Done serviette ring. I struggled into a
pair of leopard-skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like
Tarzan on an off day.

I donned a black costume with a net midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair of bathers, which had such high cut legs I
thought I would have to bikini wax my eyebrows if I wanted to wear them.

Finally, I found a bathing costume that fitted. It was a two piece affair
with a short style bottom and halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and
bulge-friendly. I bought it.

When I got home, I read on the label that the material might become
transparent in water. But I'm determined to wear it. I just have to learn how
to do the breaststroke in the sand!!

ANCESTRY
========

When speaking of our ancestry,
My mother's eyes would shine,
And proudly she would tell us all,
You're of the Tudor line.

But father with a smile would say,
While bearing that in mind,
You keep your eyes on goals ahead,
Not those that lie behind.

You have a noble ancestry,
But all are dead and gone,
'Tis you who have to prove your worth,
Not those who've journeyed on.

And back along that Tudor line,
'Tis sorry truth I state,
There may be some you can't approve,
And even some you'd hate.

The way to prove your ancestry,
Is what you are yourself,
Not by the charted family tree,
in book upon the shelf.

So try to be an ancestor,
Within the time allowed,
Of whom your children's children,
In the future can be proud.


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

Black November
--------------

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And
scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming ..."

* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

Alternative History
-------------------
** [Submitted by: "Bob Bester" <> ]

Reported to be actual Answers to Sixth Grade History tests:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw
the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,
he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and
is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and
many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannotstand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the
apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her
death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next time.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

This thread: