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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CH@T *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-268 ***
Date: Sun, 07 Sep 2003 15:52:43 +0800


www.perthdps.com ... We put the FAMILY back into Family History

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It's 'Friday Funny' time again ... I hope you ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://www.perthdps.com/research/nel01.html

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* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

* When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

* If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

* Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

* If time heals all wounds, how come our belly buttons never disappear?

TOMBSTONE PATROL
================

* On a grave in Ritzville, Washington, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer found
this epitaph: "Return to Sender."

* My favourite quote on a headstone was: "Joe Blow made a lot of deals in his
life, but he really went into the hole on this one!"

* Here in Oklahoma, a man purchased his headstone prior to his death as many
do. BUT, he had it decorated with playing cards (a straight flush I
believe) and two of those shapely female silhouettes. The headstone is in
the cemetery at his future resting place and someone is suing him to have
it removed. I kid you not. If he wins, I can't wait to hear what else he
adds to it!

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARN
==========================

A blonde had just taken delivery of a new car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over and when she did, he got out of his truck
and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of
the road and gruffly commanded the blonde to "stand in that circle and DON'T
MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around,
she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in
her car.

When he turned and looked at her, she had a smile on her face. He was getting
really mad by then and took his knife out again and sliced all her tires.
After that she was laughing.

The truck driver was really starting to lose it. He went back to his truck,
got a can of gasoline, poured it over her car and set it on fire. When he
turned around she was laughing so hard that she was about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked.

"Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

THE TEXAS VIRUS
===============

Hi Ya'll,

Y'all have just received the "Texas Virus". As we ain't got no programming
experience, this here virus works on the honour system.

Please delete all the files from yer hard drive and manually forward this
virus to everyone on yer mailing list.

Thanks for all yer cooperation,
The Hillbilly Hackers

HONEYMOONERS
============

A family reunion was held in honour of an 88 year old grandmother and her
grandchildren and great grandchildren were in attendance. The talk between
three grand daughters turned to honeymoons and each spoke about their trip to
Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls. One of the grand daughters turned to
her grandmother and asked, "Gramma, where did you go on your honeymoon?

Without hesitation she replied, "Upstairs!"

CLERICAL MATTERS
================

A Sunday school teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure
that she had made her point. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what you must do
before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?"

There was a short interval of silence and then, from the back of the room, a
small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.

--|->

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbour's wife."

--|->

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of
order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the
little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before
reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the
congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

--|->

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to
the church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

--|->

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles or
one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being poor, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people
were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the
cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about
the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away and he could not
succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise,
what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach
from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow
from Minsk ?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had bought
the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from
Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

DEAR ANCESTOR
-------------

Your tombstone stands among the rest;
Neglected and alone.
The name and date are chiselled out
On polished, marbled stone.
It reaches out to all who care
It is too late to mourn.
You did not know that I exist
You died and I was born.
Yet each of us are cells of you
In flesh, in blood, in bone.
Our blood contracts and beats a pulse
Entirely not our own.
Dear Ancestor, the place you filled
One hundred years ago
Spreads out among the ones you left
Who would have loved you so.
I wonder if you lived and loved,
I wonder if you knew
That some day I would find this spot,
And come to visit you.

SPACE-AGE CEMETERIES
--------------------

Not that we are in a rush to die or anything, but scientists keep coming up
with new and enchanting ideas for burial. According to the "Wall Street
Journal", cemetery scientists are working on:

Hologram tombstones that will project 3-D images of the dead person.

Computerised grave markers that can be programmed to simulate a corpse's
former personality, allowing visitors to carry on virtual-reality
conversations with the dead.

Orbiting cemeteries that can beam down digital radio signals so survivors can
"listen to Uncle Ernie as he passes over every night."

Meanwhile, in Lebanon, Ohio, a company called Leif Technologies has begun
marketing a $6,000 tombstone equipped with a small computer screen that
displays up to 256 electronic pages of words and photos. Powered by a
10-year battery (or solar cells), the device is made of stainless steel for
protection against vandalism and weather. Think of it as a today's version of
the hieroglyphics found inside King Tut's tomb.

For modern pharaohs on a budget, Leif also offers a $1,295 memorial brass
disc that attaches to any grave. Visitors simply bring a laptop computer to
the cemetery, connect it to the disc and download the person's life story.


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

The heir
--------

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."

"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
Here's what I've got to say -
I'll spend it MY way -
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"

Recipe for Friendship
---------------------

2 heaping measures of Trust,
2 well rounded scoops of Respect,
2 generous portions of Affection,
2 equal amounts of Sharing.

Stir together until lumps and bumps are dissolved then carefully pour into
heart-shaped containers. Sprinkle abundantly with patience, understanding,
tolerance, humour, caring, compassion, tenderness and dependability. Warm
gently and serve generously.

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next time.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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