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From: "Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <>
Subject: Perth DPS-CH@T *** FRIDAY FUNNIES *** FUNNY-272 ***
Date: Sun, 05 Oct 2003 09:43:41 +0800


www.perthdps.com ... We put the FAMILY back into Family History

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It's 'Friday Funny' time again ... I hope you ENJOY !!

Keep sm:)ing, ROB!!

"Rob Nelson, Perth WA" <e mailto:>
Research Names:
http://www.perthdps.com/research/nel01.html

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* PERFECT PITCH: Throwing bag pipes into a bin without touching the sides.

* Q: What's the best thing about turning 65?
A: No more calls from insurance men.

* DOCTOR: I have some good news and some bad news ...
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.

* Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

* LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

* Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

* Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

* If the shoe fits ... buy it in every colour.

GOING OUT WITH A BANG
=====================

After attending a family reunion in rural Georgia, Carolyn was telling her
sons about their great-great-grandfather who was noted for the quality of his
famous moon shine in the area.

It seems he believed that to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a
little gunpowder on his grits every mornin' and he practiced what he
preached, religiously, and lived to the ripe old age of 98.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren,
and reportedly, a 25-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

THIS WEEK'S COLOURFUL YARNS
===========================

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross. A cop was
directing traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd,
and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway
-- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved
the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped
the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he
got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been
joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at
her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but
never budged from the sidewalk. The cop ran the traffic through seven more
cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!"
The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time. The
blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the
Catholics cross?"

--|->

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

--|->

Once a young woman married a very wealthy man and they lived 10 happy years
together until he passed away. To be expected, she was left her very wealthy.

After her husband had been dead a few years, she met an actor and they
eventually married. She saw many Broadway shows, in many of which he was the
star. They toured the world, but after they'd been married about 10 years he
too passed away.

That made two husbands she had to bury.

Still being a young woman of about 40, she began going to church. She met
the new pastor, fell in love and married. Unfortunately after a few years, he
too passed away. Well that made the third husband she had to bury.

Still being a desirable woman she met another wonderful man ... this time a
mortician. After they'd been married about five years, she took ill and
passed away.

On reflection, some people said that she married ...

1 for the money,
2 for the show
3 to get ready and
4 to GO ...

CLERICAL MATTERS
================

* Adam's Social Security number is: 000 0000 0001.

* "I'm so worried about Adam," Eve said to the serpent. "He's absent without
leaf."

--|->

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea
to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It works
like a charm. The front of the church did fill up first."

The young priest nodded.

The old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music
would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are
open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly
doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "But that flashing neon sign,
'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell,' can't stay on the church roof."

--|->

As soon as she had finished high school, a bright young Irish girl named
Mary, shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York
where before long, she became a successful performer in show business on
Broadway.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognised her and began asking her about
her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to
know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of
things she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handstands and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies.

They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other,
"Holy Mother of Jesus, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is
givin' out tonight, and me without me bloomers on!!!"

AUNT EMMA
=========

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the
presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old lady died.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife,
"Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up
with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was
your Aunt Emma!"

FAMILY AFFAIRS
==============

* Q: It's considered bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What's the other?
A: Tape measures.

* When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of
my wardrobe and tried it on ... unfortunately, I couldn't figure out what
to do with my other leg.

* Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 80.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be
upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

* Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were
running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the
other and said, "I've been sitting here so long, my butt's gone to sleep!".
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

* Two good things from having Alzheimer's disease:
1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You meet someone new every day.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes ...
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

--|->

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The
turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was
struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it. She stood up in the
front of the plane screaming, "I'm too young to die!"

Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be
memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there was silence. Everyone had forgotten his or her own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane and said, "I can make you feel
like a woman."

He was gorgeous, tall, well built, with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes. He started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one
button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt and muscles ripple across his chest as he reached her.
He extended the arm holding the shirt towards the trembling woman and
whispered: "Iron this."

--|->

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."


* * * FRIDAY FUNNY CLASSICS * * *
=====================

Today's Stock Market Report
---------------------------

* Helium is up, feathers are down. Paper was stationary.
* Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
* Knives were up sharply.
* Cows steered into a bull market.
* Pencils lost a few points.
* Hiking equipment was trailing.
* Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
* Weights were up in heavy trading.
* Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
* Diapers remained unchanged.
* Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
* The market for raisins dried up.
* Coca Cola fizzled.
* Caterpillar stock inches up a bit.
* Sun peaked at midday.
* Balloon prices were inflated.
* Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
* Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
* Kite sales hit an all-time high.
* Fish sales were floundering.
* Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.
* Yachts were all wet.
* Playground equipment went on a slide.
* Ice machines were frozen solid.
* Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
* Fencing was having a field day.
* Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
* Gravel futures are bumping along.


* * * FOOD FOR THOUGHT * * *
================

* I finally figured from whence I came ... not off the family tree,
A buzzard laid an egg on a stump ... and the sun hatched me.

--|->

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day ...

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive
can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

An Old Lady's Poem
------------------

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe ...
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill ...

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse;
You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten ... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty - my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman ... and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigour depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ... all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look closer ... see ME!!

<---------

That's it for this week.
Catchya next time.

P.S. ... Don't forget the <dps-chat> rules:

(1) The list-owner (me) only posts the funnies (and chooses them)
(2) Anyone wanting to post funnies MUST send them privately to ME
(3) Although genie humour will be the main theme, a selection of other humour
will be posted to satisfy all camps
(4) Humour will be posted as it's received ... even if it has American bias
(5) The posting will contain a selection of contributions

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