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Archiver > GEN-TRIVIA-ENG > 2003-03 > 1047333234


From: "D. Griffiths" <>
Subject: RE: [trivvies] Lizzie's Grans
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 10:53:54 +1300
In-Reply-To: <000301c2e6e1$c68f37e0$5c3ae4d4@brittlestar>


Oh Lizzie......(((((HUGS)))))

Di...through tears.




I know, Becs! That's what breaks my heart. It cannot be. My daughter and her
daughters are strangers to me. After I was sent away, my name was not
mentioned again. Meanwhile I took myself off to live in an isolated place
where children never came and women only rarely. I concentrated on the
Mountain Rescue, the weather station, the red deer census and the climbers
hostel ... and every few months we set off south to tour the folk-clubs ...
smokey bars, university concert halls, festival marquees, TV and Radio
studios ... no kids in those places either. I have nothing in common with
people who have lived ordinary lives in ordinary houses. In ordinary
converstaions I have nothing to say. It's like being locked in a glass case
that nobody else can see.

I could hardly look a child in the face until after I saw Louise and the
girls in April 2000. I deliberately took myself to the Family Fun Day at
Well
Dressing that year, after which I knew it was OK to offer myself as
co-ordinator. I can bear to watch now, but I wouldn't know what to do with a
child ... let alone those two. They are not the sort of people who holiday
with Grannys ... they go to Egypt and India and other exotic places.
Louise's father owns property in Teneriffe.

Neil and I live in a house of just 800 sq feet, with no garden. If somebody
comes to stay, I sleep on the sitting-room floor ... and Neil finds it hard
to cope with adults ... let alone children. He shouts at them in the street
... in Safeways ... he mutters and curses all day long. The whole world is
in his way, and most of my time is taken up with him.

Becs, it isn't the lack of contact now that hurts so much. It was very kind
of Pat to offer herself for adoption (she was born just ten days after
Louise) ... but it's all those years we can never regain. I haven't walked
to the school gate ... or sat through the night with a sick child ... or
made party dresses ... or messed up the kitchen making buns together. I
haven't cheered at sports days or offered tissues and sherry for a broken
heart ... and we can't wind the clock back. I'm nearly sixty-one and the
time has gone. I'm just glad she's healthy, financially OK, and fulfilled in
her work ... especially after all those years not knowing if she was alive
or dead. I went away when Louise was four. After she was eight and Bill
remarried I heard no more. I phoned and was told to go away and forget her
... to send no cards or presents. I had legal rights I could have fought
for, but Bill said *I know you will comply because you wouldn't want her
torn apart as you were.* He was right. It was kinder to Louise for me to
turn away. She was the important one ... and I knew her stepmother and knew
she would be good to her. ...

I guess I qualified as a mother ... I just didn't get to practice.

hugs ... Lizzie





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