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From: "Roy Stockdill" <>
Subject: Re: Most recent common ancestors
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 17:31:23 +0000
In-Reply-To: <dqf5c5$rl4$1@newsg1.svr.pol.co.uk>


> From: "Rob" <>

> A reason for not accepting the theory that as been presented is Cheddar man
> discovered in 1903. DNA was extracted from the skeleton and this was
> compared with a class of boys in or around Cheddar. The teacher also had
> DNA taken. Upon examination there was ( apparently) enough markers to
> suggest that the teacher was a descendent of this early man who if memory
> serves me right dated to the Mesolithic period or some 9000 years ago.<

A somewhat lesser known case is that of Heckmondwike Man, whose
remains were found in 1894 by the prominent Victorian Yorkshire
anthropologist Sir Arnold Obadiah Hardwick-Shufflebottom, of
Shufflebottom Hall, Gomersal, during secret excavations round the
back of the Municipal Gasworks in Bogg Lane. The archaeological
dig had to be the subject of a strict blackout because the site had
long been the focus of local controversy, being regarded by the
locals as having mystical associations with the ancients and the
venue for the annual Summer Solstice celebrations of the
Heckmondwike, Batley and Cleckheaton Druids' Circle, at which Druids
and their womenfolk traditionally danced naked in nothing but their
clogs round a 100-feet tall candy-striped maypole to the strains of
27 nude fiddlers, 5 nude one-armed trumpeters and a one-legged
drummer playing On Ilkla Moor Baht 'At. Had it become known that this
sacred place was being violated by archaeologists there would
certainly have been a riot, thus the local constabulary was busily
employed in persuading curious spectators to move on with the aid of
a sharp tap to the side of the head with a truncheon. Thus, the
details of Sir Arnold's sensational discovery of Heckmondwike Man did
not emerge fully until many years later.

The gasworks was also believed to be the site of a Stone Age burial
ground, a fact which was proven when Sir Arnold dug up the skull of a
male human that was subsequently dated to the Neolithic period about
3,500 BC when most of Yorkshire was swampland, except for Halifax
which was so advanced in civilisation that they were already
executing criminals on the infamous Halifax Gibbet and had a
football team. A peculiarly distinguishing feature of Heckmondwike
Man was that the top of his skull was completely flat, this unusual
anotomical curiosity being eventually attributed to the fact that he
had spent his entire life wearing some kind of headgear that was
probably the forerunner of today's Yorkshireman's flat cap.
Heckmondwike Man was clearly a very important personage, for
alongside him was found the skeleton of a small, dog-like animal
resembling a whippet, no doubt his favourite pet that had been laid
to rest beside him, plus a symbolic earthenware jar ingrained with
the remnants of what subsequent analyis proved to be some kind of
Stone Age alcoholic drink not unlike Tetley's Best Bitter.

Heckmondwike Man and his accoutrements lay almost entirely unnoticed
for decades in the Alderman Clogferret Memorial Museum until very
recently when scientists carried out DNA tests and discovered that
virtually the entire population of Heckmondwike today is descended
from him. This is why everyone in Heckmondwike wears a flat cap,
drags a whippet round on a lead and drinks Tetley's Bitter.

Roy Stockdill
Web page of the Guild of One-Name Studies:- www.one-name.org
Newbies' Guide to Genealogy & Family History:- www.genuki.org.uk/gs/Newbie.html

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
and that is not being talked about."

Oscar Wilde

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