GenHumor-L Archives

From:
Subject: [GENHUMOR] Get Ready, Get Set...
Date: Sat, 07 Jun 2008 02:57:49 -0500

If the appliances on your porch... work,
you might be a red neck.

If your family tree does not fork...
you might be a red neck.

If you go to family reunions to meet women...
you might be a red neck.

------


- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years
old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $50,000 per
month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost
a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

------



Husband: "Dear, have you been cutting expenses like we agreed ?"

Blonde Wife: "Yes, honey, I was able to slash our expenses last month
just like you asked. Everything was charged to only 1 credit card so
that it's only going to cost us 1 stamp to pay all of our bills."

-------------------



The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler

----------------


A lawyer was getting fitted for a suit at his tailor's office. As he
was standing there, he decided to have some fun with the man. "I guess
our jobs are pretty similar," said the lawyer.

The tailor remained silent, so the lawyer continued, "What I mean is
that we're both in the same business - making suits. And both of our
suits end up in a court of law."

The tailor said nothing, but continued measuring, so the lawyer added,
"Of course, I went to college and then law school for seven years to
learn how to make my suits."

"Yes," said the tailor, "but when I make a suit, it only costs you a
hundred dollars."

-----------


A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near
Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he
pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the
container and granted him 3 wishes.
Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of
beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never
again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To
do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie
had been imprisoned.

All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but
his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem.
One day, during a moment of weakness and depression he ran into the
bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard.
Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the
urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story?
"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

-----------

An EMPTY Grocery bag is a terrible thing to waste; take one for a 20
mile hike and bring it home FULL.

And Eat More Possum!

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