HM-CUSTOMS-WATERGUARD-L Archives

From: "David Hirst" <>
Subject: [WATERGUARD] Waterguard service from 1961 to 2001
Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2007 17:47:34 +0400

I joined C&E as an APO in 1961 from Local Government. After training at the Training Centre in Lower Thames Street next to Billingsgate Fish Market (the smell has almost gone from my "hairy" initial uniform blouse jacket), I went to my "Waiting Room Port" at Gravesend. Here I was introduced to the strange ways and traditions of the Waterguard. Never enter the PO,s office unless invited, always carry the boarding case at a respectful distance behind your "guvnor" & learn to play Waterguard Brag as soon as possible.

Having just about learned how to board & rummage ships to a point where I might have made a useful contribution to the job I was, in that inimitable style of management of Customs & Excise, sent off to Lydd Airport for the Summer with new skills to acquire at the baggage bench. This happy spell came to a halt just before I became an alcoholic under the tutorship of my host at the Plough Inn in New Romney, who had been invalided out of the RAF with that addiction. Through The Bond I have recently renewed acquaintances with several of my colleagues from that spell. I was now sent to LAP (Heathrow to younger readers) for corrective training & did not enjoy the experience. So much so, that I applied for a Land Boundary post in Armagh & got engaged before my departure there. Eventually my young fiancee married & joined me in Ulster & we are still together 45 years later.

Life on the Border was never dull & frequently exciting trying to intercept people trying to use the illegal crossing points from the Irish Free State as it was called then. This was particularly true of the cattle & pig smugglers who would not hesitate to offer violent resistance to defend their smuggled animals if stopped by Customs. At this time the official radios were about the size of a Calor Gas bottle & about as heavy with a phone type handset, & were carried in a canvas bag. I well remember trudging along a remote road near the border with other officers on a night when you could hardly see your hand in front of your face. I had one of the radio sets on my back like a rucksack & was sure I knew exactly where I was, despite the pitch black environment.

Suddenly & unexpectedly the road surface changed from flat to go up slightly & then down again. Later, I realised that this should have warned me that I had reached a T-junction & was going over the roadway. At the time however, nothing prepared me for the stumble on the verge & the beautifully executed forward somersault in the pike position into the ditch or "shuck" as it was called in Ulster, ably assisted by half a hundredweight of radio on my back. After being hauled out by hysterical colleagues who were far more concerned that the radio would still function than whether their colleague was nearly drowned, I was returned to the office in Armagh for several baths to try to quench the appalling smell from the drain contents. As the law of Sod would have it I wasdue to fly back to the mainland the very next day to see my fiancee & plan our wedding. This prospect gave my dear colleagues even more merriment but by keeping up wind of my sweetheart at all times & liberal use of aftershave & anything else that did not smell of an Irish drain I managed to keep the wedding plans alive.

After 4 years in this station I was "invited" to apply for another posting. APOs on the Land Boundary had seniority over any other applicants on the mainland for vacancies so I could have a good choice of places to go to. Can you believe that I applied for Dover? I got it straight away of course but all my Armagh colleagues thought me mad. This was before Red & Green channels were introduced so all passengers were stopped & questioned & the place was a real workhouse with very little time off from April until October every year. I began to think some of the Irish drain contents must have entered my brain to make me go there. It did make some sense however as my family & that of my wife all lived in Kent & there was a very good pass rate from Dover for the APO / PO examination.

After a couple of years I sat & passed the PO exam & was sent on promotion back to Lydd Airport which was just that bit too far to travel daily so I was in digs & coming home on Rest Days & occasional weekends off. By now I had a baby son & being away from home so much was hard but most Waterguard officers had to accept these trials as part of the job. Lydd was very quiet & unchallenging by & large & I hoped I would get back to my Dover home. Instead I was sent to LAP again, 2 days before my son's first birthday. All attempts to delay my move from Dover to LAP failed unfortunately. On arrival at the airport I went straight to see the Appointer who at that time was Bob Smee who I read recently has just passed away. He was not able to help me with a turn round to go back home but arranged all sorts of swops with established staff to put me on an early shift the day of my son's birthday, a day off in advance of my earning it & a late shift to return on. He was a very helpful man who seemed to float along despite the moanings of officers who could not get what they wanted for shifts. He made what was a very difficult & demanding job look like it was a breeze & always had time for the problems of Detached Duty Staff at the airport. Not many people enjoyed temporary spells at LAP & I certainly didn't.

Great relief when I secured a posting back to Gravesend where I had started. It was all a bit like Monopoly really wasn't it? One regularly "passed go" & occasionally collected some cash, some certainly "went to jail" after being lured by criminals to turn blind eyes to smuggling operations, & if you will pardon the pun, we all seemed to go round the Board in ever decreasing circles. I was glad to be back in a real port with Tilbury Docks getting really busy with some serious drug source country traffic. Initially I spent much time on Tilbury Landing Stage dealing with passengers from Australia in the coldest working environment. Later I was in charge of a C3 unaccompanied baggage clearance crew of 3 APOs. This could be interesting work with a crew of Indian "Box Knockers" run by a real character called Jimmy James. He was always immaculate in his brown Homburg hat, Camel hair coat & highly polished shoes. He organised the examinations like clockwork after I had made the selections of the boxes to be opened. Between consignments of C3 baggage we would be a rummage crew, but only got the ships the Mobile & Station Rummage crews didn't fancy.I remember that the 2 officers who spent all day taking duty off the crews of the big liners in Tilbury were always known as "Bill & Ben". Ivor Davis, who I am pleased to see is still very active, will remember that. He was in the office at Tilbury with Jack Irwin at that time.

I had moved my home from Dover to Chatham with the hope that in a few years time I might get one of the PO vacancies at Rochester on the River Medway. I was born in Gillingham & my parents & my in-laws lived there. It meant I had to travel 12 miles or so to work in Gravesend which was difficult if you were on a very early or very late start. I used to volunteer to do much of the stand in work for the PO at Chatham Dockyard, Fred Green at first & later Fred "Buster" Brown. When the British Government decided to run down the forces in places like Cyprus, Gibraltar, Hong Kong & Singapore, the main Baggage Warehouse at Deptford could not handle all the extra traffic & a Baggage Warehouse was established in Chatham Dockyard. I volunteered for this job & got it. I ran the warehouse which handled about 30% of the traffic Deptford had but had only occasional assistance, while Deptford had several staff. As the work rapidly built up, I could only get through the paperwork & examinations by working 10 hours every day. I still featured on the weekend working roster at Gravesend so had to work a shift nearly every other Sunday as well. This went on for best part of a year & although I loved the responsibility of the task eventually the workload told on my health & I was both mentally & physically exhausted. I had a very good CPO back at Tilbury, John Livingstone, who ensured that I was kept on less demanding duties until I was receovered. John was one of the real gentlemen of the Customs & a rummager of the highest order who could always get the best out of his crew.

Eventually, my gamble of buying a home in Chatham paid off when VAT came in which led to lots of uprating of posts. The APO posts at Rochester were upgraded to PO & I managed to get one of them, joining the existing POs Pete Sutcliffe & Dave Cooper. This was a river boarding station with a 36 foot launch manned by 2 launch crews of 2 men. We suffered the tragedy of losing 2 launch crew when the fibreglass dinghy they used to go to & from the launch moorings capsized & they were lost in the fast flowing river. Their bodies were eventually found down stream much later as all thier colleagues scanned the river for sight of them & secretly hoped they would not have to find them. Dark days indeed for the rest of us

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• [WATERGUARD] Waterguard service from 1961 to 2001 by "David Hirst" <>