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Archiver > MEMORY-LANE > 2005-06 > 1117645355


From: WJFreeman <>
Subject: Re: [ML] What's left of me ....
Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 13:02:35 -0400
References: <008301c565e8$626484e0$43a87046@austin.rr.com> <429D2E5C.109FD125@gmail.com> <01af01c566b6$138213a0$43a87046@austin.rr.com>


Well, I believe, Douglas, that most of them TV wannabe Q cooks claims ta be from
Texas (at least part of tha time.) So don't go blamin' moi or anyone from tha
true home of Q -- namely Georgia -- for whut you Texan folks never got straight
in tha first place. I 'spect mango chutney has hits place, but I couldn't
'gree more that hit haint got no place on good pig-pork Q. 'Course hit might
go a long way ta makin' that FUQQ of yourn fit ta eat. <snicker>

As fer salt 'n pepper, why we done invented that long a'fore Texas was a
wasteland, much less a RE-public. I 'spect that my ancesters back in them ice
ages wus doin' tha salt thang long before ya ancestors out there in Texas got
brave 'nuff ta come down frum tha trees -- back when Texas had trees, that is.
When my greatest of the greats grandpappys got tared of Q'in dinersawers, why
they jest invented the pig-pork jest after that they's up'n invented pepper as
well. And it haint never got no better than that, gud buddy. Never got better,
gud buddy.

As for the science of cooking, I knows folks what caint read real gud will
probably sneer about what is a natural fact. Hit jest don't set well with tha
"move the lips" set, ta read or ta be told anythin. And if yer frum Texas,
well....'nuff said.

So hit seems that we're bak ta swapping insults over tha use of thermometers and
tha like. Well half of tha problem is that we'uns here in Georgia can count to
21 WITHOUT having ta remove our pants. In fact, we'uns can count higher'n that,
while chewing fatback and walkin' a straight line at the same time. (Well mostly
almost straight ennyhow.) So hit is natural fur us ta use a scientifik method
a' measuring temperature of our pig-pork as opposed ta some ol Texan who don't
know no better than ta just stick his thumb inta tha gizzard or what ever hit is
that them armydillers have and see if'n hit comes back with blisters er not.

Ya see Dougster, we cut down on self-inflicted wounds thata way and we can cook
every piece of our DE-lectible Q (pig-pork, only 'cause if it aint pig-pork it
aint Q) ta tha same degree of purfektion. But in Texas, I guess that if'n hit
is half done on one end, overdone on t'other, that somewhere in between, hit's
about half right.

And as fur them re-marks 'bout us'uns having ta go ta tha' lavatory, hit makes
me jest wanna laugh out loud . Ya see, we'uns know tha difference 'ween a
kitchen and a Q-pit and 'tween a lavatory and laboratory. Tha kitchen is whar
Da Warden rules and tha lavatory is whar she still rules if'n ya fergit and
leave tha seat up. And tha Q-pit and laboratory is where real men rule. So I
don't rightly reckun whar yew fits inta tha pitcher--see'ns how....well I reckun
I'd better drop this line fur now.

Out thar in Texas, we think that folks who claim ta be able ta cook by tha magic
eminations from tha roarin' campfire, tha phase of tha moon, or which way tha
wind is blowin', are paralyzed by tha fear of learnen sum'pin. Paralyzed from
tha neck up, but <sigh> that's jest the way hit is, I suppose.

I read them other posts 'bout how you caint use your arm an' all. I am shore
glad that you has got hit fixed up now. Maybe if ya can mind ya PT lessons, ya
can get ya strength back and then we can work on weanin' ya from having ta drink
them Long Neck Lone Stars The National Beer of Texas through a straw. First
the straw, then we will larn ya how real men play in tha far.

Walter

Douglas C wrote:

> Speaking of Quacks.... good morning Walter! <grin>
>
> Since I was stuck inside watching mind-numbing re-runs on television
> this past weekend, I discovered your problem Walter..... no, that isn't
> true, it is not an isolated problem, but one that seems to be rampant,
> especially along the Southeastern seaboard of our country....
> I happened to watch endless hours of Food TV Network offerings and this
> is what finally confirmed my suspicions... You boys need to concentrate on
> either cooking or watching TV or drinking moonshine. Combining two or more
> of the above described events is the problem.... eventually, the apparitions
> that appear as a result of too much "shine" become confused with the
> nonsense about cooking bbq outdoors that is presented to you by the FoodTV
> network....
>
> "Land sakes son, it's just cookin... ya got a piece of meat and ya wanna
> cook it so that it can be eaten...."
>
> If'n yew can't member nuttin else I tell yew Walter, jest remember the line
> written above... Walter, lets us start with the basic, yet true, premise
> that bbq wasn't invented in no scientific lavatory... git that surprised
> look off your face Walter.. unlike most of my stories, that was a true
> statement.... our forefathers had a chunk of meat and wanted to eat it so
> they dropped it in the far until it was dun and they et it.... quite
> simple....after a while, someone dun broke a piller of salt.. (sodium
> chloride Walt) and got some of it on da meat before it was cooked and after
> tasting the end product, realized how much better the meet tasted with salt
> on it.. a revelation fer sure.... it wusz't long before they pilfered some
> black pepper from Chris... you remember Chris don't cha... Chris Columbus,
> that Italian boy with the funny lookin hat ?.... Ennyhow, thats how bbq was
> discovered.. slap a little salt n' pepper on a chunk of meet and cook it...
> later, once they learned how to keep the ashes off the meet, bbq was finally
> perfected! (no Walt, they didn't use a Supersonic Seeramic cooker... pay
> attention son...)
> My point is .... our forefathers didn't need no scientific lavatory with
> extravagant machines n' thermometers... no need for a kajillion herbs
> n'spices... salt and pepper that baby, cook and eat it.. ..
> "What's this have to do with FoodTV," you ask.....good question Walter
> and I'm gittin around to that.... I watched them all last weekend... they
> wus so many so-called experts it was hard to tell which wus which... why,
> some of them had even gone to college to lern how to screw up cooking a
> piece of meet.... one dude on the PBS station .... somethin called Bar B Que
> University even had himself a "grill cam" ... hee, hee.... I reckon he wus
> gonna cook it since it had nuttin whatsoever to do with cooking meet... I'm
> afraid that boy is gonna be disappointed in the flavor of his "grill
> cam".... <giggle>
> SpicesNherbsNother stuff....Lord have Mercy!! It wus enough to even
> make Martha Stewart blush... I don't know what some of them had aginst the
> piece of meet they wanted to cook but it is safe to say they got their
> revenge before putting the meet on to cook... sure nuff! Some of them
> fellers, after using a nasty blend of herbs n'spice, wood even smother the
> meet later with somethin called mango chutney and then call the end product,
> "bbq." Downright sinful it wus..... <sigh>
> I had somethin really important to do this morning but darned if I can
> remember what it was ennymore.... matter of fact, I can't remember exactly
> what it was I was gonna say in this post to you and the M-N group...
> ENNYHOW, pay attention to the basics Walter..salt n' pepper n' a piece
> of meet is all thats needed to make good QQ.....Oh Lord.. look at me
> woodja.. dominoes.. can't make good QQ wifout a set of "rocks"... oh yeah,
> beer....... the bbq n' dominoes experience is enhanced if'n yew git a number
> 10 washtub n' fill it within reach with lotso ice 'n beer ......
> Lordy, I jest membered... I wus gonna go out back and build a far....
> wonder what Da Warden done did with that armydiller I got last
> night......... :-)*
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "WJFreeman" <>
> To: <>
> Sent: Tuesday, May 31, 2005 10:41 PM
> Subject: Re: [ML] What's left of me ....
>
> > Whaaaaa? Whaaaa? What? Smoked brains? Ramblings? Drivel?
> >
> > Dougster, I can clearly see that the doctors in Texas are just as far
> under par
> > as your so-called FUQQ! Now lookee here, Douglas, you have now had two
> > "procedures" and both times--BOTH TIMES-- the docs clearly missed the area
> that
> > needed attention.
> >
> > The first time they missed so far with there little rotorooter thing that
> "Young
> > Doug and the twins" were clearly in danger! Good thing that you have had
> most
> > of your chillins already! I can't imagine why you did put a "Do not
> disturb
> > sign" down there since those docs you got out there have clearly been
> eatin'
> > too much armydiller.
> >
> > And the second time, why they missed the real thing that needed fixin'
> once
> > again. Ceptin' this time they did get a little closer. Why that talk of
> > drillin' and sewing muscle back was just what a misguided Texan who don't
> know Q
> > from Shinola needed. But, I'll swan, them Texas Quacks done missed yer
> punkin
> > head what needed fixin, and hit your shoulder instead.
> >
> > What you clearly need, ol' boy, was your brain muscle sewed back up where
> it
> > belongs. That drill should have gone into your skull bone so as they
> could have
> > grabbed what ever is flappin' loose in there that makes you think 1) that
> you
> > can cook and 2) that cooking beef and callin' it FUQQ is what normal folks
> do.
> >
> > Well, while you was enjoying your morphine pot, good buddy, the rest of
> the
> > world knows what Q is all about. Why I bet you is proud that you have
> never had
> > a cooking lesson in your life! Trouble is it shows that you have some
> serious
> > lack of knowledge in the Q department. I could arrange for you to get
> into a
> > cooking school here in Georgia, if'n you won't show up in spurs, a
> ten-gallon
> > hat, boots, and chaps. Why we might even arrange for moi to come out to
> Texas
> > and give you a cooking lesson or ten. I expect that it will take a lot of
> > explaining of the same points over and over and over and over for it to
> get
> > through to you.
> >
> > Now that you have that shoulder repaired, why we could teach you to throw
> that
> > beef stuff as far as we can. Though to tell the truth, you are already a
> master
> > bull thrower from the looks of what you write.
> >
> > So we are glad to have you back amongst the living, Doug. And we can only
> hope
> > that the next operation is a wee mite higher and that you find a doctor
> who was
> > trained in Georgia and knows how to fix Texas FUQQ addled brains.
> >
> > Walter
> >
> > I see all those folks who put some sort of sayings on the bottom of their
> > messages I guess to help weight them down like the tail on a kite, so I
> decided
> > to put one of them sayings and a story.
> >
> > Remember: Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet
> >
> > Now for the story: I recently picked a new primary-care physician. After
> two
> > visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my
> age. A
> > little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
> think
> > I'll live to be 80?"
> >
> > He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or other
> alcoholic
> > beverages?" "Not to speak of," I replied. Then he asked, "Do you climb
> ladders
> > to put up Christmas lights? "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued beef
> > ribs?"
> >
> > I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!.
> But I
> > do eat smoked pig-pork like a natural man was borned to do"
> >
> > "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
> hiking, or
> > bicycling?"
> >
> > "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
> a lot
> > of sex?"
> >
> > No,"! I said, "I don't do any of those things."
> >
> > He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh*t if you live to be
> 80?"
> >
> > Douglas C wrote:
> >
> > > One thing that concerns me is....when I un-subbed, Walter had just
> > > submitted a jarring insult to QQ-lovers with his smoked brain ramblings
> > > about QQ from Texas... Memorial Day has come and gone and I pray the he
> has
> > > not poisoned your brains with more of his pig-pork-butt drivel...perhaps
> it
> > > best that I not check the archives... ya think ? lolol
> >

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