MarinGenSoc-L ArchivesArchiver > MarinGenSoc > 2010-12 > 1293307154
From: "DICK N EILEEN" <>
Subject: Re: [MarinGenSoc] Merry Christmas
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2010 11:59:14 -0800
This is precious, Cathy! Thank you!
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2010 08:48:02 -0800
Subject: [MarinGenSoc] Merry Christmas
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
> find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
> Christmas With Louise
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
> fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
> true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
> were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
> and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
> things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
> If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
> confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does
> this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made
> it to the inflatable doll section.
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
> substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
> during rush hour.
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many
> different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
> box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
> settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
> On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
> to life.
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
> morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
> dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
> tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
> house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
> dog confused.
> She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
> of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner.
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked.
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gram," Jay said, to steer her
> into dining room.
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
> no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
> Granny, hang on!"
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
> me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
> I told him she was Jay's friend.
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
> Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
> realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
> died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
> made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
> from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
> front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
> nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over
> his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out
> of the room, and sat in the car.
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
> decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
> her to perfect health.
> A big "THANK YOU" to all of you that give so generously of your time volunteering for the Society.
> Visit our website http://www.maringensoc.org
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