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Archiver > MarinGenSoc > 2010-12 > 1293328892


From: Elizabeth Waud <>
Subject: Re: [MarinGenSoc] Merry Christmas
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2010 18:01:32 -0800 (PST)
In-Reply-To: <49c5c.3dcd981d.3a476c32@aol.com>


Fabulous, Cathy -- thanks for the grin! Merry Christmas!
Betsy
--- On Sat, 12/25/10, <> wrote:

> From: <>
> Subject: [MarinGenSoc] Merry Christmas
> To:
> Date: Saturday, December 25, 2010, 7:48 AM
> This is an article submitted to a
> 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
> find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won
> first prize.   
>    
>    
> Christmas With Louise   
>    
>    
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
> over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for
> Santa to
> fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list
> twice must be
> true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
> stockings
> were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
> empty.   
>    
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> sunglasses
> and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
> sell those
> things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
> downtown.   
>    
> If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll
> only
> confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,
> "What does
> this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
> Finally, I made
> it to the inflatable doll section.   
>    
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
> also
> substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the
> car pool lane
> during rush hour.   
>    
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in
> many
> different models. The top of the line, according to the
> side of the
> box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal
> husbandry. I
> settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the
> price scale.   
>    
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
> imagination.   
>    
> On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
> Louise came
> to life.   
>    
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
> the wee
>
> morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
> the
> dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I
> also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
> a nearby
> tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of
> hours.   
>    
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
> been to his
> house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but
> had left the
> dog confused.   
>    
> She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
> some more.   
>    
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose
> so the rest
> of the family could admire her when they came over for the
> traditional
> Christmas dinner.   
>    
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
> door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked.   
>    
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a
> doll."   
>    
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny
> snapped.   
>    
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
> shut.   
>    
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny
> continued.   
>    
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gram," Jay said, to
> steer her
> into dining room.   
>    
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
> teeth?"   
>    
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
> Christmas and
> no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
> "Hang on
> Granny, hang on!"   
>    
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
> sidled up to
> me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the
> fireplace?"   
>    
> I told him she was Jay's friend.   
>    
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
> talking to
> Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
> then that we
> realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
> home.   
>    
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
> who had
> died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
> suddenly Louise
> made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
> Then she
> lurched
> from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell
> in a heap in
> front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry
> sauce through my
> nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
> and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell
> back over
> his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin,
> stomped out
> of the room, and sat in the car.   
>    
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
> remember.   
>    
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
> examination to
> decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that
> Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
> thigh.   
>    
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored
> her to perfect health.
>
>
>
> ______________________________________
>
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> generously of your time volunteering for the Society.
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>
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