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From: Roy Stockdill <>
Subject: [NEWGEN] Some genealogical "If Onlys..."
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2000 16:30:22 -0400

ONE day, in yet another idle moment, I fell to speculating on what the
outcome might have been if history had played strange tricks and certain
unlikely matrimonial unions been forged. What, I wondered, might the
descendants‘ family names have been? This was the result...

IF Chewbacca of Star Wars had married Julie Andrews would their
descendants be called Hairy-Poppins?
IF the family of sexologist Shere Hite had been descended from
novelist Emily Bronte would they have been the Wuthering-Hites?
IF Roseanne Barr had been descended from Captain William Bligh
would she have been a Bounty-Barr?
Or if she had been of very mixed ancestry, would she be a
Cocktail-Barr?
IF sci-fi writer H. G. Wells had married into the family of the
composer Handel might their descendants be called Wells Largo?
IF Patty Hearst had married British actor Peter Sellers, would
their descendants have been Newspaper-Sellers?
IF Bo Derek had been descended from a certain celebrated
17th-century diarist called Samuel, would she have been born as Little Bo
Pepys?
IF Jane Fonda had married Welsh singer Tom Jones, would their
descendants be called Rhondda-Fonda?
IF Jack Lemmon had married a stripper, would their descendants be
known as Lemmon-Peel?
IF Batman married Goldie Hawn, would their descendants be known as
Cape-Hawn?
IF Madonna had married Freddie Mercury, would their descendants
have been Virgin-Queens?
IF Glenn Close had been descended from King Camp Gillette (inventor
of the safety razor) would she have been a Close-Shave?
IF Michael Jackson had wed Phyllis Diller would their descendants
take the name of Thriller-Diller?
IF Oscar Wilde had married a member of the Kellogg family, would
their descendants have been Wilde-Oats?
IF Oprah Winfrey had been an impoverished descendant of composer
Kurt Weill, would she have been known as The Threepenny Oprah?
IF composers Frederic Chopin and Franz Liszt had had children who
married each other and anglicised their name, presumably their descendants
would now be Shopping-Lists.
IF the descendants of Martin Luther had intermarried with those of
the man who invented the bath sponge, would the family name now be Martin
Loofah?
IF Alexander Graham Bell had married a woman who was free with her
favours, would their descendants have been Liberty-Bells?
IF Hilary Clinton divorced Bill and married Sean Penn, would their
descendants be Penn-Pushers?
IF Sonny Bono had married Yoko Ono, would their descendants change
their name by deed poll to Smith, rather than be known as Bono-Ono???
French historical heroine Joan of Arc left no descendants, but if
she had had lots of lovers would they have been known as The Riders Of The
Last Arc?
And, finally, if Lois Lane is so dumb that it‘s taken her all these
years to recognise that Superman is Clark Kent without his glasses, how did
she ever manage to find anything that enabled them to have descendants?

(Copyright R. Stockdill 1999)

Roy Stockdill
Editor, The Journal of One-Name Studies
The Stockdill Family History Society (Guild of One-Name Studies, FedFHS)
STOCKDILL PREST YELLOW BOLTON WORSNOP
GIBSON MIDGLEY BRACEWELL SHACKLETON BRADLEY MOODY in Yorkshire North &
West Ridings
MEAD YOUNG in Somerset, Wiltshire & Gloucestershire
Web page of the Stockdill Family History Society:-
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/roystock
”Never ask a man if he comes from Yorkshire. If he does he will tell you.
If he does not, why humiliate him?" - Canon Sydney Smith (scholar and
humorist 1771-1845)

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• [NEWGEN] Some genealogical "If Onlys..." by Roy Stockdill <>