PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 8-Boonastiel in Court
Date: Mon, 03 Aug 1998 13:49:45 -0400

BOONASTIEL IN COURT

Last week I was in town to testify as a witness for a court case
involving Charley Leebshtickel, his wife, and Billy Boombernickle.
Billy had blamed Charley for kissing his wife in public, and I believe
wanted a hundred dollars for damages. Well, I explained that I'd
lend Polly out by the month for kissing at a hundred dollars a kiss.
When Charley Leebshtickel heard me say this he had me summoned
to court to get Billy Boombernickel's charges for damages struck
down. I got myself into a damn mess and could have ended up in
jail. This is the way it went:

Boombernickel retained Johnny Lawbuck for his lawyer. Just a few
years earlier Johnny was nothing more than a little snot-eater who
was so poor that his mother didn't even have anything to use for
patching the holes in his trousers. Then he went off to school, and
the next thing we knew he was wearing a top hat and claiming to be
a lawyer. Well, this little bast..d was examining me on the witness
chair, and it all turned into a big joke.

The first thing they gave me was a book for swearing-in. I asked
them what it was, and they said it was the Bible. I said that once
before I was fooled in a way like this and that I hoped they'd untie
the red string and prove to me that it was the Bible. I was overruled
and made to take an oath pledging to tell the truth.

Well, the first question that Johnny asked me was:

"What is your name?"

Now, I knew perfectly well that Johnny knew me, but to avoid an
argument I answered him promptly.

"Gottlieb Boonastiel, Esq."

"Where do you live?"

"At home with Polly."

"I don't mean that, where is your place of residence?"

"I don't have a “residence.” I live in a little blockhouse all covered
with dirt."

"No, no, Mr. Boonastiel, what I mean is, where is your home?
Where do you reside?"

"Oh well, I want to tell you as best as I can since now that you're a
lawyer you've forgotten everything--even where your old friend
lives. From here you proceed until you come to a crossroad, then
you take old Hawnayarrick's lane up to the first gate. From
there you take the path by Muckel Pestmiller's hedge fence until
you come to the woods. Presently you'll come to a little old house
on the right hand side with windows. That isn't my place, but you'll
come to a path that'll take you directly up the left hand side of the
mountain . . ."

"Well, well, hold on now Mr. Boonastiel, the court don't care to
hear all that. What we want to know is the general geographical
location of the place where you claim citizenship."

"At Rabbit Mountain, United States of Christopher Columbus."

That settled him down a bit, and put his mind at ease. Then he
started asking questions again.

"Mr. Boonastiel, what is your business?"

"None of your bus . . . business?"

"I want you to tell the court what you do for a living."

"I sort fly sh..t from black pepper for a living."

Then he appealed to the judge to make me answer, and the judge
directed me to comply with proper statements.

"Well, proceed, Mr. Boonastiel."

"Inventor, politician, and philosopher."

"All right, sir. Do you know the defendant?"

"It's Charley Leebshtickle?"

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, you damned rascal. Why shouldn't I? As boys we were raised
together. Our parents butchered, cooked soap, harvested, threshed,
and we fell asleep together on Sundays in the same church. You
ought to know that yourself."

"I am not presumed to know anything, and I ask you this question
and demand a civil answer."

"Well, I don't think that anyone “presumes” that you know
anything, but you should know better than to bully and intimidate a
poor old man like myself in front of all these people. How many
times did I carry you through the snow on my back to get you to
school and cut rawhide covers from worn boots for your baseballs?
And now you act like you don't know anyone from the Mountain
anymore."

"I don't want any of your insolence," said Johnny Lawbuck, "and if
I hear any more of it I'll have the judge put you in jail."

"Judge," I said, "I'd gladly spend ten years in jail if you'd only let
me at that bast..d for ten minutes."

The lawyers got together in a consultation. Finally, Johnny
Lawbuck stood up and said "The witness is evidently irresponsible
and his testimony must necessarily be of little importance. I will
therefore not occupy any more of the court's valuable time in
useless interrogation."

The judge said, "Call another.”

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

This thread:

• 8-Boonastiel in Court by "Vee L. Housman" <>