PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 20-The Candidates
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1998 15:01:31 -0400

THE CANDIDATES

I haven't written to you for so long that most of your readers
probably think I've died, but I'm still as lively as an old rat with a
big cheese.

The winter was hard on us mountain people, and yet not half
as hard as it was on our bed. We had only our bed frame left to
sleep on after we ran out of cow feed and had to empty out our
straw bed mattress to feed to the cows. We were, by shucks, nearly
starving, and it reminded me of Cleveland's term when we had
nothing to eat but soup.

This reminds me that come Fall we have to elect a new
president, so there'll be band music, political rallies, meetings,
speeches, and candidates that come around and set up the jiggers
from the black bottle. Just last night we were talking about it at
Hullerhecka's tavern. There were a half dozen Democrats and none
of them had much to say. Billy Bixler said that the Rabbit
Mountain delegation still doesn't know whether it'll support Bryan
or Cleveland. Many, he said, would like Cleveland since they can't
stand Bryan, and others say they'd prefer Bryan since Grover is
such a shameful stomperer. Billy felt that they would make a
strong team if we could tie them together, but the buggers would
kick off their lashings.

I asked him what was wrong with Hearst. "Hearst," he said,
"can't speak, Cleveland won't speak, and Bryan won't shut up."
They finally decided that the Democratic party had two
heads--Cleveland on one end and Bryan on the other, and that
reminded me of Sam Seeshuls' elephant.

A few years ago Sam went to see a circus show. But before
going, he stopped by the tavern to invite a few friends to join
him--like we often do--and by the time he got to the circus he was
pretty well jiggered up. The circus only had one ring, but Sam was
seeing three, and they were intertwined like an Odd Fellow sign.
Finally the elephants entered the ring and when Sam saw this, he
took off from his seat and ran into the ring. "That’s a load of hay,
and I can whip any man who says it's an animal!" The elephant saw
that Sam was out of place, picked him up with its trunk, and threw
him out of the circus ring. Sam got to his feet, grabbed his hat, and
began to talk to the elephant:

"You lop-eared, two-tailed, bothersome monstrosity. If I
knew on which end your head was attached, I'd tear out your
damned horn!"

That is the biggest trouble that the Republicans have this
year--they don't know on what end to start whipping the elephant.

Bryan figures that since he's been beaten two times, it's his
turn to get elected. He reminds me of Johnny Lebkicher who was
sitting at the table when they were eating overcooked shnitz. The
leftover juice from schnitz was real good for doughnut dunking.
Johnny ate all his schnitz until he was almost bursting just to get at
the schnitz juice. Just as he was finishing the schnitz his brother
grabbed the serving dish and began rinsing it. Johnny yelled, “I
want my juice!" Bryan ate his schnitz and now he wants his juice,
and he ought to have it too. But Cleveland, Hearst, and Judge
Parker have gone off to rinse the serving dish.

They're also in big trouble finding planks for their platform,
and they are offering a hundred dollars to any man who builds one
for them. As it looks now, not much lumber will be needed. A
place for a half dozen men to stand on seems big enough, since
most everyone will be voting for Teddy.

Yaw, the Democrats have a stumpy field to plough. And they
want to do it with fillies. Old Sammy Sendapetzer went through
the woods once with two fillies pulling a box wagon. He rode over
stones, roots, and stumps until the smoke was flying. "Why don't
you try to keep to the road, Sam?" I asked him. "In the road?" he
said, "It seems that when we drive with fillies we have to go
wherever they take us--not where we want to go." The Democrats
climbed up over the rocky tariff fences with Cleveland and fell back
into the Free Silver potholes with Bryan. It really takes a good
team master to hold them in the road without overturning.

If they had Teddy to crack the whip then things would go
differently. He can drive on any road with anything that has hairs.
He's like a turtle--always at home wherever he finds himself--but for
the next four years he'll be hanging his hat at an old place, on the
nail behind the door to the White House.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

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• 20-The Candidates by "Vee L. Housman" <>