PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 22-Politics
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 12:30:15 -0400

POLITICS

There once was a mule who had grown weary of being a
mule. He asked to be dressed in other clothing so that he'd look
like a horse or an ox. Suddenly his wish was fulfilled. The mule's
hide was replaced with that of a horse, his ears were tied down, and
he was set out upon the road to find his own life. Soon some draft
oxen came down the road, and when they saw the unfamiliar horse
they raised their tails in the air and ran like crazy to get out of its
way. This tickled the mule until it started to laugh, but as soon as
the oxen heard its voice they knew exactly what it was, so they
returned and butted him in his ribs until he was crying in pain. The
Mule returned home and asked to have the horse hide removed
from him, "For," he said, "It doesn't make any difference what I
look like, and how much I look like another animal, as soon as I
open my mouth everyone knows what I am. Let me be a mule
again."

This reminds me of the Democratic convention in St. Louis
last month. The party adopted a platform, or wove a fabric, that
looked as much like the Republican jacket as they could get it.
Then they threw the jacket on their donkey to make him look as
respectable as possible and set him lose in the streets. When the
public first saw him they were frightened, and this pleased the
donkey so much that he began to make speeches. By the time the
news reached New York everyone realized that the donkey was
"wearing a horsehide over a donkey's body," and the next thing you
knew the donkey sent a telegram stating that the coat didn't fit well,
that the public was on to him, and that if they didn't send him
another jacket that would cover his ears better he'd no longer
pretend to be a horse. They sent him word that all the ill-fitting
spots on his coat were where no one would notice and to calm
down. After that we never heard a thing about him.

This is the way we took Parker's nomination at Rabbit
Mountain. It was screwed up from the beginning to the end, and
after it was all over they had nothing to show for their work except
a candidate for vice president, and that reminds me of old Beckie
Hetzel's pig. While Beckie was away from home for a week, the
children and helpers managed the farm. When she returned home,
she found everything out of order.. "Oy ya," she said, "Just look at
this! The hens aren't on their nests, the cows aren't milked, and out
there lies the old sow with only one piglet. Damned poor
management!"

And now they say they have a candidate for president even
though he's already said he wouldn't run. Parker and Davis! One
didn't want it, and the other couldn't help himself since he was
eighty-one years old. But he's worth thirty million dollars, and they
figure that with him as the old mess kit, they can afford to buy a
new pan. One is an old gold-plated Democrat and the other is a
Plutocrat. A hard dose to take, but it reminds me of Davy Moyer's
liquor--roaring strong and it burns like the devil, but it's good after
you get it down.

When we were told of the nomination and that a candidate
was on his way to meet us, we all sat in a row on a bench in
Hullahecka tavern . We were all thirsty, and the question just
naturally came up as to what was the best plan for getting the most
drinks out of each party this Fall. Billy Bixler suggested that we
should draft a Prohibition sentiment, and some of us could wear a
white ribbon as the Prohibition emblem on our collars to throw the
candidates off the track. When we suggested that Billy should be
the president of the 'sociation he objected, because he believed that
no one would call him up to take a drink from the black bottle.

Finally we agreed on Pastor Mohler for president, since he's a
teetotaler, and Billy for secretary. This would give Billy a chance
to handle any checks sent to the association by those who wanted
to buy influence--anything left over we'd take care of. We adopted
a platform, but by the time we finished there were nearly a few
bloody heads. Some wanted to adopt a synopsis of the Republican
platform, some wanted to rally over a Prohibition declaration of
principles, and finally we got together and agreed on a synopsis
from the St. Louis Democratic platform, since that was
meaningless. They appointed me, Billy Bixler, and Benj Hess to sit
on a resolution committee, and we came up with this:

Resolved: We believe in prohibition without restriction or
conviction; and that the use of spirituous or malt liquors should be
restricted to the few as a disadvantage to the many who recognize
the tariff in advalorum duty as a menace to the specific principles
regulating supply and demand.

Resolved: That we endorse civic and religious reform to the extent
of abrogating all legislation on the liquor traffic to ourselves;
believing that its destruction is best assured when in the hands of
those who know how to do away with it.

Resolved: That these resolutions be printed in the Rabbit Mountain
Blotter and spread on our minutes for thirty days to dry.

Billy Bixler presented a minority report and a resolution that
began with, "We view with alarm," because he felt that would catch
the Democrats, but they voted him down, and we adopted the
platform as a whole and adjourned in executive session to the
barroom.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

This thread:

• 22-Politics by "Vee L. Housman" <>