PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 23-The Party Platform
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 12:32:52 -0400

THE PARTY PLATFORM

The other night I almost laughed myself to death here at the
Mountain. We had been waiting long for the campaign to start so
we'd have something to drink, and finally Mike Hetzel, the
Democratic chairman, called a meeting to consider campaign issues.
He sent out notices to all the Democrats living near the Hullahecka
Tavern, and to make the thing interesting he also sent an invitation
to Bryan. No one thought that Bryan would come, and yet many
attended for a chance to see him. I'm not, of course, a Democrat,
but since I'm one of Hullaheck's best customers they couldn't very
well kick me out.

Chairman Hetzel called the meeting to order and familiarized
us with the object of the meeting--to build a fire into the campaign.
After all, if the nearby candidates didn't do their share to stir things
up, people wouldn't become involved in the election, and everything
would fall apart.

There were some women there. No one knew what they
wanted, but we soon found out, because by the time things got
going they were doing all the talking. Beckie Kissinger wanted to
do a speech. She's an old maid, has long curls, and has the figure of
a potato gone way beyond its germinating stage, but she was still on
her forty-year search for a man.

Pastor Mohler was there too. They were representing a
temperance society and immediately began to babble about
canteens. Billy Bixler came right out and asked them what politics
has to do with canteens. The "black bottle" was the issue. A
canteen, he said, was something made from wood, was red in color,
and looked like a small drum; it has a strap for hanging over your
shoulder and it was for carrying into the harvest field. The next
minute the whole congregation was on Billy like wasps. Billy said
that Beckie was a man-crazy old hex, and Beckie accused Billy of
being a drunkard. Finally things got so intense for Beckie, that she
began to cry. She said that no one loved her anymore, and when
Pastor Mohler (who was presently a widower) told her that there
was someone who loved her, she looked up, took his hand and said:

"Is he . . . Can you name him?"

"Yaw," the Pastor said. "There is still someone who loves
you. He'll love you even unto death."

"Oh, my dearest, my dearest! I've waited so long. Why didn't
you tell me much sooner?"

"You misunderstand, my dear sister. Dear God is your friend.
He loves all his children."

At that Beckie fainted, and soon afterwards, the canteen party
dispersed. Chairman Hetzel announced it was time to attend to the
regular order of business, and the first thing was the building of a
platform. One of the fellas said that he had some lumber on a
corner lot that he'd haul to the sawmill if Sammy Sendapetzer would
saw them for the platform. Mike Seeshul's boy, Sam, who was
home from college, broke out into such an impolite laugh that
everyone was yelling, "Out with him, out with him," and out he
went--head first through the door. Mike Hawnayarrick said he
couldn't offer any lumber for the platform, but his son who was also
attending school, had written a letter home telling him how the party
planks should be written down:

"Resolved, We believe in annexation, anticipation,
emancipation, reformation, adulteration, contamination and all other
prognostications as applied to Portorickaty by the Filipeanuts and
discriptioned in the Montrol Doctrine by Christopher Columbus
when he writ the Ten Commencements on a slate and which are
embodied in the Chicago platform."

Everyone adopted the resolution without any further
discussion.

Sam Sensawetzer said he'd like to offer a three inch plank for
the Fillipeanut Islands, and stated that in all his life he'd never
eaten
his fill of peanuts, and if we annexed the Philippines, peanuts
would become much more plentiful. And that was understandable.

Resolution adopted.

Solly Sullekuper, who lost his arm at Antietam and is a "war
Democrat," suggested they add a plank to the platform that would
read "GOD BLESS THE OLD FLAG."

But the chairman overruled him, saying that it sounded like
Republican doctrine, was too much like imperialism, and might
harm George Washington Aquinaldo.

Finally, they completed their platform, but not until part of the
convention was dispatched to find planks so that the others could
return to work. I asked them for a copy of their platform to send to
you for your newspaper, but they said you'd only make fun of it.
But I disagreed and said no. Send it to the Colonel, and he'll
pretend not to notice any of your foolhardy nonsense.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

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• 23-The Party Platform by "Vee L. Housman" <>