PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 28-A Need for New Laws
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 13:41:51 -0400

A NEED FOR NEW LAWS

They tell me there'll be a lot of new laws legislated this winter,
and in order for us “Semmlymen” to assist in this effort we decided
to hold a meeting at Hullahecka's saloon on Saturday night. At the
meeting Johnny Lawbuck was elected as president, Billy Bixler as
secretary, and Sammy Sendapetzer as the treasurer.

In the first speech that evening I outlined the object of the
meeting. Then I went on to propose a change to the Prohibition
law, and began by stating that since nowadays liquor is so corrupted
with red pepper, rainwater, and other poisons, there ought to be an
inspector appointed to sample the liquor at every bar before any
sales can be made. Since I proposed this new law it seemed in good
order for my name to submitted as the inspector appointee for this
bar. There was a unanimous support for my proposal, and if it
should pass the State legislature then Boonastiel will have an office
that he wouldn't trade even for the Presidency of the United States.

Sam Seeshuls proposed a change for the highway laws. He
wanted to see a superintendent of roads appointed--much as a
railway inspector oversees railways. He suggested he himself be the
first appointee at a salary of fifteen thousand per year and with
power to appoint a county superintendent, who in turn would have
the power to appoint a township superintendent. He then suggested
that all the superintendents wear uniforms with stiff hats and dress
gloves, and that they be provided a carriage with two brown horses
to assist each township superintendent as he goes about his duties on
those days when the roads are dry and pleasant.

Billy Bixler objected. He claimed that farmers could take care
of their own roads if they had the money, and he was against it on
general principles, since there were so many idlers, loafers, and
bums on government payrolls. We all agreed with Billy, and the
motion was defeated.

Pit Blotner stood up and said that he wanted to propose a new
law which should concern all of us. It was something to the effect
that no widow be allowed to remarry in any neighborhood where
any old maidens are still residing at home. "Problem is," he said, "I
have seven daughters who are ready for marrying anyone who
wears pants. I and the wife have been campaigning for eligible men
for twenty years, and none of my daughters are yet married. And
that isn't all," he said. “The women who've already been married
once and who should have had enough are the ones most guilty of
grabbing up second husbands. They snap up the young men like an
old turtle snaps up young geese, and the girls who've been waiting
for twenty years are sitting idly by their bake ovens crying snot and
tears. I'm in favor of home protection, and as long as we have
plenty of raw material at home, the importation business should be
stopped. We all agreed with Pit, but I don't think he'll find the
solution to his problem. His daughters are the ugliest things, and, by
gosh, I wouldn't trade in my old seventy-sixer for hide nor hair of
any of them.

Benj Hess suggested that no man should own no more than
one hound per acre of land owned, and old Sammy Sendapetzer
suggested a law which no man under twenty-one years of age be
allowed in the company of an unwed girl without a county license
and written permission from his mother.

Billy Bixler and Johnny Lawbuck were appointed to write up
all the bills and to present them to the Sembly, and if they pass, we'll
work up another law at our next meeting to charge a toll on married
men who travel the back alleys after midnight.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H.
A. Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in
the Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904.
They were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and
they are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

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• 28-A Need for New Laws by "Vee L. Housman" <>