PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 31-Men and Monkeys
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 11:33:21 -0400

MEN AND MONKEYS

Henner Shenkelmoyer once told me there was a man named
Darwin who believed that he originated from monkeys. Well, the
other day an organ-grinder with a monkey visited the Mountain.
The monkey was so smart and wise that one could almost believe
that monkeys were descendants of men or men were descendants of
monkeys--whichever you prefer. Although some criticize monkeys
for being uglier than humans, I know of someone whose face I've
studied for a long time and it was when Billy Bixler mentioned it,
that I agreed that there is no monkey alive that could look worse
than old Yuckel Hannabarger's son who lives on the other side of
the Mountain.

My daddy used to say “The higher a monkey climbs, the better
you can see his tail.” Because of that our elders must have been
pretty familiar with their ancestors. There are many “monkeys”
around who climb high to show off their tails.

The man who criticizes every political party except his own
and thinks he's always correct, climbs high to show off his tail.

The handsome monkey who thinks that any woman would fall
in love with him at first sight, climbs high to show off his tail.

The man whom no one trusts and who thinks himself to be
completely honest, holds his tail high to show it off.

The man whose greatest deed is the ability to drink as much as
a pig without getting drunk, climbs high everyday to show off his
tail.

The man who claims to own everything but carries a mortgage
on Konadaw has a tail that everyone can see.

The man who leads a double life, who is white on the outside
and black on the inside, who thinks the world will never find him
out, will one day climb high enough to show of his tail.

The man who thinks he has the whole Hullabeera township in
his pocket and who thinks that he can be elected into any office on a
twenty-four hour notice, will one day climb way up to show off his
tail.

The boy with rich parents who tries to begin where his father
left off, climbs up, shows his tail, and comes back down and gives
up where his father began.

The poor man who lives from day to day and lets his wife
spend all his money on dresses doesn't have enough backbone to
climb high enough to show his tail off.

The man who thinks he can drink as much as and as long as
he wishes and still stop whenever he is ready, will one day climb up,
fall down and break his tail.

The man who thinks that without his help the church would go
to the devil, will one day find himself far beneath the pole--wearing
a tail of his own; and the man who thinks he can whore, steal,
gamble, lie, shit all over everyone, rob from the poor in this world,
and by paying off the heathen buy his way into heaven, will one day
find himself at a place where hair on a monkey's tail can get singed.

Anyway, a monkey is a curious animal. I think it ought to
have voting privileges, so that it too has something to gain at
elections. That would make a Sixteenth Amendment to the
Constitution, and if the Prohibitionists think that their candidate
could be elected on such a platform plank, then I truly believe that
monkeys might as well have voting rights. I don't think it'd be such
a bad thing, because a monkey would know enough to keep its
mouth shut and let other people vote the way they want to--an
attitude alien to most human politicians.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

This thread:

• 31-Men and Monkeys by "Vee L. Housman" <>