PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 34-Strife at Hullahecka's
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1998 17:37:03 -0400

STRIFE AT HULLAHECKA’S

Just as Polly had long predicted, I finally got into trouble by
writing letters. Betz Grill and Bully Schnellkeffer turned against me
[mere ga-draid miech tsu womsha] and last Thursday it all came off.
You know I'm already an old man. You can see this in the wrinkles
on my face, and even when I was young, my legs thought too much
of me than to steer me into this kind of trouble. The last
knockdown that I had was with Six-Foot Betz over housecleaning.
But I didn't get much practice out of that, since she did most of the
work herself. I wouldn't have come into trouble this time either if it
would have all been up to me. The way it all happened was like
this.

When Sam Schnitzler relocated to Mike Hawnayarrick's farm,
I and Billy Bixler helped by driving his heifers there for him. When
we got to Hullahecka's I said to Billy that he ought to take care of
the cattle until I had a chance to have a quick one to tune up my
stomach. Billy did the best he could while I was in the tavern, but
one heifer broke free from the rest and started running. Billy
chased after it. He didn't return for a long time. This just made my
stomach more thirsty, so every now and then I had to squeeze off
another shot from the black bottle.

By the time Billy came back I was pretty “how-come-you-so,”
and soon after this Billy Schnellkeffer showed up at the tavern and
began to argue with me. It didn't take long for me to call him a liar,
and that's just what he wanted to hear. The next thing I knew I took
on the shawl that made stars streak before my eyes. It made me feel
a little weak in the knees, but I stood up, and before he knew what
happened, I gave Billy enough revenge in his left eye to make him
fall to his feet and cry out like a year-old calf.

This frightened one of the heifers and made it kick to the rear
catching Billy an inch or so under his navel. He doubled up like an
old pocket knife, and it took five men to pick him up off the ground.
Just then Johnny Sollakupper appeared to warn me that I'd been
arrested. After awhile they had me before Shquire Lawbuck, and in
less than five minutes they had three charges against me:

FirstAssault.
SecondAssault and battery with intent to hit him in the eye.
ThirdAggravated assault and battery with intent to kick
him by an ox.

I told him I wasn't ready to stand trial since I and Billy had to
drive the heifers to their new farm, so Shquire Lawbuck released me
on bail until the date of the trial. I don't have any money to spend
for a lawyer. After the trial starts you'll hear more of this, because
I
want to make my plea known. Billy Schnellkeffer is home in bed.
His one eye is black and blue, and because of the heifer's kick, his
breath still isn't back to normal. His misfortune is the same as the
boy who tickled the rear legs of a mule with a wisp of straw. The
mule kicked him through the weather boards on the barn, and when
his father went to help him up he said, “My dear child, you are not
near as pretty as you used to be, but you are a lot smarter.”

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

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• 34-Strife at Hullahecka's by "Vee L. Housman" <>