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Archiver > PADUTCH-LIFE > 1998-08 > 0904497088


From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 36-Boonastiel, The Lawyer
Date: Sun, 30 Aug 1998 13:11:28 -0400


BOONASTIEL THE LAWYER

My Daddy always said, “A little bit of legal knowledge can
come in real handy,” and everyday I find out how smart my father
really was. I told you I'd plead my own case before Shquire
Lawbuck since I didn't have any money. I tried it and bun uff anes
naixt in de bresent cooma. Billy Schnellkeffer hired a lawyer who
clobbered me so bad in five minutes that I didn't know who I was
anymore.

Shquire Lawbuck called the court to order and stated what the
charges against me were. Then he said he was ready to hear the
prosecution's case. Immediately, I jumped up and said that I had
nothing to do with the brosecution since women was present at the
incident, and that I had business to settle with Billy Schnellkeffer.
The Shquire told me to sit down. “Brosecution means
Commonwealth and not women.” That settled it. I saw that I was
getting into deeper water, so I kept quiet.

Finally, the lawyer stood up and made a speech. He accused
me of being a drunkard and a shiftless, lazy rogue, an eccentric, and
a lot of other things. I could stand everything until he accused me
of stealing chickens. I shot up and started to deny everything. They
finally got me settled and started calling their witnesses. I tell you
no lie, they proved every charge that was made against me and
made me look so bad that I thought they'd hang me. When the
defense was called for, I looked around for Billy Bixler. He was the
only man who could testify for me, but by the time he heard the
lawyer's charges telling of all my wrongdoings, by Judas, he cleared
out and left me sitting like a child playing in mud.

They put me on the stand to give my testimony, and so help
me I gave nothing but the shiny, pink truth. When I was finished
the lawyer began to cross examine me, and in five minutes he had
me tied up, frontwards and backwards, in sworn testimony. He said
he knew that I was keeping two wives and was trying get me to
confess to it. God knows that I only have one wife, and she
watches me and wears the pants. When he was finished stomping
on me he gave another speech and read from a large leather book
until I felt I could already feel the noose tightening around my neck.
When he was finished I stood up to speak. There was a lump in my
throat the size of a chicken egg, but finally I shook off my fear and
began.

"My dear Neighbors. Am I not still Gottleib Boonastiel?
What have I done? Everything built against me during this past
hour I know nothing of. Does anyone else know differently? I
don't know any law. This little rat has already pointed out my
ignorance of the law more than once. I'm putting the law aside and
appealing to you for common horse sense. Who does this lawyer
think he is? What is he doing to us? Does he have hooves for feet
and horns on his head, or is he a devil in the form of a man? What
kind of proceeding was this, and what do you call it? Does the law
have a right to summon a demon and turn him lose on a poor,
decent, honest old man? My statement was plain and simple. Billy
started the fight and got the worst of it. Afterwards it was all tit
for
tat. He grabbed the wrong pig by the ear. That is the long and the
short of it. Then he says that I have two wives! And who says all
this? He sits here--this dirty, rotten, miserable, lowdown . . . "

"Hold it! Hold it! Gottlieb. No profanity," said Shquire
Lawbuck. "You're free. Defendant discharged and
Commonwealth to pay the costs of prosecution!"

I was too mad to go home. First I wanted to tear that lawyer
apart, but Shquire Lawbuck ordered me to use self-restraint. I took
the Shquire's advice and went straight home, but if I ever run into
him again I'll make such small pieces out of him that the rats will be
able to eat him without any trouble.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

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