PADUTCH-LIFE-L Archives

From: "Vee L. Housman" <>
Subject: 50-New Kind of Railroad
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 11:54:39 -0400

NEW KIND OF RAILROAD

I've concluded that I won't get the Rabbit Mountain Post
Office, and I really must have something under this administration,
because I expect it will be the last for the Republicans. I was told
that everyone who voted for Bench Harrison was promised an
office. As it turned out, only about one in a hundred received a
position. But I have now applied as Envoy Extraordinary and
Minister Plenipotentiary from the United States to the Grand Swiss
Palatinate.

If this fails then I'll work on finishing my new railroad patent.
If the Seaboard & Western doesn't come through, I'll raise enough
stock money to form my own company. I have a plan for a railroad
that'll only cost half as much as a broad gauge track. My plan is to
use just one rail. You probably wonder how a train could run on
only one track--well, I have a plan.

My plan is to have the head engineer stand out on the front of
the engine with a long mechanically controlled pole to balance the
train in a way similar to the way a circus performer balances on a
tightrope. And with my patented single-track the faster the train
moves the safer it will be, because it would only fall over while
standing still. Of course, my plan calls for propping up the train on
either side whenever station stops are made. When starting to
move again the props would come down, the engineer would
resume his position at the front of the engine, the conductor would
yell, "All aboard," and off we'd go on thundering wheels.

I also have a plan to run a railroad up and down a mountain
without an engine--all by itself. Of course, any idiot knows that a
train will roll down a mountain by itself, but running up a mountain
by itself is another thing. However, I have a plan for which I will
take out another patent. The plan is to grease the rear wheels
heavier than the front ones on each car. The effect would be to
have the weight of each car pushing forward on the front wheels. It
stands to reason that as the front wheels begin to move, they'll pull
the rear wheels after them,

A railroad such as I would build would come in handy. I'd
build it just for the convenience of the passengers and farmers. No
longer would farm workers need to hustle to make connections.
Farmers would provide homegrown chewing tobacco and
homemade food to the passengers. On passing a farmer busy
ploughing the fields the engineer would yell, "Down brakes," stop
the train, prop it up, step down, and purchase his chewing tobacco.
Then "toot, toot," the train would continue on its way. At lunch
time the train would stop at a farmhouse, and if a good old
Pennsylvania Dutcher lived there he'd invite the whole trainload for
dinner. The on1y trouble would be in the opening and closing of
fences as the train moved from one farm to another.

I've promised free train passes to all my friends. Polly will be
the president of the Nickel Plate Grand Trunk Single Track
Railroad, and since she thinks a lot of you, I'm sure she’ll remember
you after her promotion. I'll let you know if my plan comes off.

* * *

Note: This collection of Boonastiel stories was written by H. A.
Harter in the original Penna-Dutch dialect and were published in the
Keystone Gazette, Bellefonte, PA, between 1894 and 1904. They
were translated and transcribed by Bob James of Alaska and they
are being posted to this PADUTCH-LIFE mailing list with his
permission.

This thread:

• 50-New Kind of Railroad by "Vee L. Housman" <>