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Archiver > TMG > 2005-08 > 1125410690


From: "DeAnna Burghart" <>
Subject: RE: [TMG] Alternative to Marriage Tag
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 2005 07:04:50 -0700
In-Reply-To: <OF20462B28.D9ED2BED-ON8525706D.00098F5E-8525706D.000AA389@ATTGlobal.net>


It wasn't even that unusual back in the day, frankly. I have at least one
gg-gfather born nearly a year before his parents' actual marriage date, and
though it isn't talked about, I have reason to believe that my g-gpa was
living with g-gma and her family for several months before they were
married, and not as a farm hand. ;) Sometimes it was just a matter of
convenience, it other cases it was likely if and when the preacher came to
town.

In those archaic cases where I'm reasonably certain there was an eventual
marriage, I simply record events in the order they happened. If there was no
one around to marry you, then there's no shame in not being formally married
... <shrugs> The thing that frustrates me about those is not having a
front-end marker for the relationship. In the case of the gg-gfather above,
I don't know how long they were together as a couple before he was born.
(One presumes at least 9 months, of course, but it could have been
considerably more, or even less. The father is who the mother says the
father is, after all ...)

If there is some doubt as to the existence of a formal arrangement, however,
I would likely use a Marr-Other type of tag appropriate to whatever the
arrangement was. I've always found "unmarried partner" to be a bit stilted
myself, as it seems to connote impropriety and raised eyebrows. For all we
know, they jumped the broom and waited years to see a preacher, and ended up
"divorced" before he ever came to town. Or they may even have been formally
married in civil or church ceremonies but simply left no surviving record.
So I tend to record the relationship based on what it looks like. I haven't
had any that were confirmed extra-marital affairs yet, but if I did I would
likely record them as Marr-Other with a custom sentence explaining what the
relationship was, how long it lasted, and why I think that. For so-called
"partner" relationships, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ...

My husband and I lived together for I don't remember how long before we were
married, but it was at least a year. I don't record the marriage as taking
place when he moved in. I record the marriage as when it happened -- 18 Apr
1992. I never called him my husband before that date; he was my "boyfriend"
or my "fiance." I can only think of three modern situations that would lead
me to record a formal spouse-relationship in TMG when none existed under
law:

* Common law marriages that are treated as spousal relationships by the
people involved.

* Birth of children, which depending on the situation may mandate the use
of a relationship tag. (Children born out of wedlock when there is no
intention now or ever to marry the father do not prompt a marriage or
explanatory relationship tag. To do so, in my opinion, is an unwarranted
commentary on the mother's behavior.)

* Same-sex partnerships that don't exist as marriage because there's no
legal outlet for that desire. Those situations seem to demand a Marr-Other
tag with custom wording appropriate to the couple's desires and actions. I
would probably use the date of any ceremony held as their formal
relationship date.

If a couple is simply "living together" to kick the tires for a while,
there's no more need to record that as a relationship tag than there is to
record every single boyfriend and girlfriend that someone may acquire. If
you've been dating for 10 years, or even living together for that long,
that's just grand. But that doesn't make you someone's spouse, unless that's
what you *claim* to be, act like, and wish to be treated as. (And in some
states, not even then.)

Cheers!
DeAnna




-----Original Message-----
From: [mailto:]
Sent: Monday, August 29, 2005 6:56 PM
To:
Subject: [TMG] Alternative to Marriage Tag


In todays environment, it is not uncommon for a couple to begin living
together and even have children without a marriage. At some later time,
they may, or may not, get married.
What would be an acceptable Tag to cover this unmarried state? I
remembered that back in the 17XXs, it was not uncommon for a spouse to be
referred to as a Consort. I thought that this might be a reasonable Tag,
but the "normal" usage for Consort is that of a Spouse.
Anyone have any suggestions here?
John


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