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Archiver > OH-MEMORIES > 2002-02 > 1013183472


From: "Dixie Lee Kennedy" <>
Subject: [OH-MEM] About Nw Orleans ...
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2002 08:51:12 -0700


In view of the chatter going on re: New Orleans ...

If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right. It's pronounced "New
Orlenz." No one from here says "New Orleens" unless they are writing a song
It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather patterns we
have here.

3 out of 4 people who live in New Orleans have a drinking problem. 3 out of
7 have a gambling problem.

No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some
restaurants.

The shopping sucks, unless you are buying; beer, hookers or antiques.

The mall is not close to anywhere, and if you get there, they don't have
what you came to purchase.

The amount of cash you spend on gasoline and cigarettes in a month exceeds
your rent/house note.

Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time. Every
street intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each
other.

The West Bank is actually east of the city. It would take too long to
explain.

The roads in New Orleans have potholes that are large enough to hide an
aircraft carrier. No one is trying to correct this problem.

1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were born in
New Orleans, or you are a Cajun.

If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried about
this problem either.

There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in New
Orleans. (That's just on a slow month.)

Then how come no one ever leaves?
####################################################### Louisiana Driving
Rules:

1-A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
orange construction barrels.

2-Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana driver never
uses them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.

3-Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4-Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."

5-The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have
of getting hit.

6-Never get in the way of an older car than needs extensive bodywork.

####################################################### SOUTHERN ADVICE If
you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the
South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to
the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to
help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't
buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is
plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, 'er ya?

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them
are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they
are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.

The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.

The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think
we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in
the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

HAVE A GOOD DAY! Send this to four people that ain't related to ya, and I
reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it!



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